Overweights of Joy

Linky Love

2012-01-27T12:28:00.003-05:00

Just a few links I have been gathering up throughout this week, that I wanted to share. There is a little bit of everything- articles, recipes, products I think are lovely...

First, the lovely blog posts I have read over the past week or so that have stuck with me:

Tonia's lovely post {This one made an impression}
Suzy's lovely post {*DO* make sure you get to the end where she lists the books she's been enjoying and {most especially} the amazing poem at the end}
Jodi's lovely post {Worth the glance just for the Lewis quote at the beginning- I love that quote!- but also her beautiful pictures}
Katherine's lovely post {A beautiful read about welcoming children in church. Resonated deeply with me}

Next, those of you who know me well know I have a weakness for Nutella. I think Nutella with pretzels is my favorite- something about that sweet and salty combination- but this recipe is definitely a close second. Nutella Hot Chocolate! Easy to make and delicious, though I will warn you, very rich. My husband and I enjoyed a cup together this week. And yes, it *is* worth it to make your own homemade whipped cream. {Thanks, Kelly! for sending me the recipe!}

Next is an online shop I think is really neat because all of their products are natural and yummy and good for you- soaps and shampoos and lotions {oh my!} AND they are still safe for the Earth, with very little packaging... It *is* a UK company, so for those of you who live in the US {or other places} you will have to convert from pounds to your currency. Still, when I am ready to buy more shampoo and soap, this is where I am ordering from. {Thanks, Penelope, for passing this site along, and the one below as well!}

As a bit of background for this next item, I will remind you that Amy Carmichael is my favorite author. She was an Irish-born missionary to India. She worked mainly with the lower castes- the Dalits, or "untouchables". I have always has a place in my heart for these precious people. This company sells candle jars made by the Dalits, which supports them financially. Lots of neat products to choose from, all beautiful.

And for a lovely way to give a gift and still do something with your money that will bless others, this company sells sweet bracelets that provide one week of food for one child with each purchase.

Lastly, maybe some of you have seen this YouTube video that has been making the rounds, about hating religion but loving Jesus? While I certainly *do* see many of the points made in the video, I found this article and found it to be so balanced that I wanted to share it here. Please feel personally invited to share your thoughts in the comment box below if you are able to find a few minutes to read it.

Enjoy! May the peace of God be with you this weekend, kind friends.

~amy danielle

Little Things

2012-01-27T12:05:00.003-05:00

My husband woke me up this morning reminding me that I needed to go get blood work done and promising me Starbucks if I got moving. So, off to the hospital we went, one iced vanilla latte in my system. A small thing, but something to be grateful for just the same.

There was a short line in the laboratory waiting room, and we were called back within five minutes. Thankfully, the phlebotomist who took my blood recognized I have wimpy veins and that I bruise easily and he selected a tiny butterfly needle, so the blood work went smoothly and without any issues. A minor thing, but something to be thankful for all the same. The alternative- multiple sticks and bruising up my entire arm that makes me look like a drug addict for a week or more- is notably less pleasant.

Then my husband treated me to lunch. This feels like a much bigger thing, actually, because with having several children we don't eat out {or alone} very often. Both cost and practicality hinder us from dining out much. It was lovely just to have his companionship and a relaxing meal.

I suppose I am just thinking about how little things, when noticed and lived fully, make for a very satisfying life.

Last night, I lifted my shirt to expose my growing tummy and Libby was delighted to actually see her sister moving around. Perhaps it makes it that much more real to her six year old mind: her sister is in there, moving and growing and getting ready to make her debut. Precious.

Trever and I watched Courageous last night together, and I looked over at him a couple times to see him tearing up. It reminds me that beneath his sometimes rough exterior, he is a tender soul. This makes me love him all the more. Little things.

I had a delightful phone call with one of my best friends yesterday. I don't talk on the phone much these days, so getting to talk with her {for an hour and a half!} was an unexpected treat. Trever brought me sushi for lunch and let me finish my phone call and then kept the children quiet so I could take a {much needed} nap.

Little things that feel HUGE, and that make me so happy.

All these little blessings make up a life, my life, and can shape the way I view things, if I am mindful and aware of them. Like trickles of water that gather together from near and far to form a strong, rushing stream....

Even though my body feels weary, my soul feels alive, content.

~amy danielle

Libby's Story

2012-01-26T17:42:00.003-05:00

This afternoon, my six year old daughter came over to me and told me she wanted to tell me a story she had made up. I was not prepared for her to begin with the words, "Once upon a time there was a very sick mommy who was pregnant..." I sat, stunned. It was almost a physical blow.

Is this how she sees me? Sick? I listened to the rest of her story in silence, not sure what I should think or feel, and trying very hard not to get emotional. {I haven't been sleeping well lately, which makes me a bit weepier than normal.}

The good news is, the mommy in her story actually rocked. She was obviously a very good mommy, took excellent care of her children, and in the end saved the day. I was just a bit in shock that this was how she opened her narrative.

No one wants to be labeled as the frail, sickly type, if you know what I mean.

Still, at the end of the day, I am going to focus on the fact that my illness has not kept me from mothering. Not entirely anyway. Yes, I have limitations. I do spelling lessons and phonics lessons from my bed some days. I need my children to help me chop vegetables when my hands are too painful or buckle babies into car seats when my wrists are swollen. I have asked them to serve coffee to guests because I could not lift the coffee pot and help open jars when they are too tight for me to open without hurting myself.

But I still make the suppers and coffee and have guests over and drive my kids to the library and church and all kinds of other places. Our life has not stopped, it has simply changed.

Some days, I feel frustrated by my limitations, because I am used to strapping a baby into a sling and going out with the whole lot in tow and doing whatever needs to be done. I can. do. it. all. my. SELF. was my motto.

Well, I can't anymore. I need help. I have had to explain this to my children. My oldest ones understand the best, and help the most. And it makes my heart smile a bit to see them becoming considerate hosts to our guests, learning to serve others, finding that they are an important part of our family, and that their contributions bless our home.

It became apparent to me today that even my middles have a fair amount of understanding. {I have split my children into three categories, in case you are wondering about the term "middles". The big boys: Andrew, Riley and Dylan. The middles: Josiah, Libby and Justice. The babies: Aiden, Owen and baby # 9, due in May.}

When Liberty told me that story, she made very clear she is aware of the fact that her mama is sick. But you know what? She also demonstrated the mama in her story is a heroine- she took care of her family, drove her children all over to all kinds of neat places, and, in the end of the story, rescued them from getting hurt. The children were safe with their mama. They were loved and nurtured and happy.

So although I am not thrilled with being sick, with feeling a label on myself that I'd rather not have, I am choosing to focus on the end of the story, and not the beginning.

And I think that's the way God views things as well.

~amy danielle

Napless Naptime

2012-01-25T15:05:00.003-05:00

My eyes are stinging and I feel very tired this afternoon, but a nap was simply not in the cards. That's one of the tough realities in having this many kiddos. At nap time, in order for mama to get a nap, they ALL have to be quiet. And today, a couple of them weren't.

I tried not to feel too envious of my two year old, who was sleeping peacefully in my bed. As my girlfriends and I always tease one another on trying days, God was wise to make babies so adorably cute.

I think one of the most frustrating things I am dealing with right now is that I am such a poor sleeper, because even when I have the opportunity to sleep, I still regularly struggle to do so. I wake up frequently and have a very hard time going back to sleep, even though I am very, very tired.

Sometimes pain keeps me awake. I stumble to the kitchen to get medicine and then have to wait for it to kick in.

The weather we are having down here in the Southern United States is insane. Call me crazy, but I kind of like the idea of actually having seasons. It is January and eighty degrees outside. And humid. I am trying not to be a big baby but I am already dreading this summer. Summers here are rough. I think I could handle the heat alone, but the humidity does me in year after year. Let me put it this way- my father asked me last summer how come I wasn't used to the weather after having lived here for eight years, and I responded by telling him people don't *get used* to Hell either. He laughed and I was kidding, but really. Blech.

There is something that drives me a little batty about when my husband turns on the air conditioner in January. Does that seem wrong to anyone else???

Meh. Overall, these are minor things.

Been plowing through the Twelve Months of Monastery Soups cookbook and loving it. Haven't had one yet we haven't liked. I've served the soups with various toppings {bacon, croutons, cheese, fresh herbs, etc.} and sometimes with a sandwich or salad, or accompanied by fresh bread. I highly recommend this book if you like soups and want some really good new recipes. There are a lot to choose from.

And thinking ahead, to the {even} warmer seasons, there are recipes for cold soups. There is another book by the same author for salad recipes. I need to start compiling recipes now for the days I know I won't want to turn on the stove. Cold suppers are a saving grace in the South during the summer. I'm thinking cold soups, salads and smoothies are the way to go most days.

I am going to try and savor the time left where I can actually stand hot things to eat and drink. I rarely even drink a hot cup of coffee in the mornings here once summer hits. It's just too unbearable.

In other news, I am getting rid of my facebook page. I don't use it much anymore anyway, and I find that those who I genuinely want to stay in touch with will stay in touch without it. It's not that there isn't good that can come from facebook, and I certainly don't judge any one who has it. Just, for me, it is more of a time zapper. It takes more than it gives. I can only do so many things well in any given day, and more and more it has become apparent to me that this is something that I should drop.

The only thing I think I will really miss about it is the ability to share blog posts and articles I find interesting. So, I have decided that I will just do that here, maybe on Fridays. I can link up the posts and articles I find through out the week that my heart wants to share.

And perhaps, those who come here to see them might be more likely to actually read them than if they encountered them amongst all the other clutter on facebook? Time will tell.

Well, napless naptime is about over for the day and I need to gather the kidlets up and run out to the grocery to pick up a couple things for supper.

What's for supper, you ask?

Soup! :)

~amy danielle

Goings On

2012-01-22T22:42:00.005-05:00

I have been feeling excessively tired lately, with nearly debilitating fatigue. But I have still managed to read several books, I am about half way done knitting a sweet little blanket for our daughter {whose name is currently undecided} and have watched all of season two of Downton Abbey with my husband.

I have watched my eldest son plant all the seeds in the garden and have even seen some of them start to germinate. We are very much looking forward to spring flowers, fruit, vegetables and herbs, Lord willing. {The Autumn harvest was a flop, so prayers are appreciated.}

I am considering getting some window boxes for outside of my bedroom. I love to draw the curtains back in the morning and let the light in, and perhaps some sweet flowers might also be cheery.

My mother and sister came out a couple weeks back and painted my living room and hallway for me- a lighter color. It used to be brown, now it is an earthy, cream peach. I have found light to be an excellent way to ward off depression, especially when one is indoors so often. Interestingly, I have found myself reluctant to put many of the pictures and hangings back up on the walls. I seem to be favoring more sparse decorating for the time being.

I find myself looking around my house and wondering how I can simplify, declutter, get by with less. I picked up another of Penelope Wilcock's books, The Celebration of Simplicity. This one is not a novel, and I can see it will be one that I have to stop and think about as I read it, rather than plow through it in one sitting. It's just as well. I need books like this from time to time, although I have found lately I also need some lighter things sprinkled in, for variety.

I never used to really read fiction, for example, but now I am learning to appreciate how good fiction can tell truth in a powerful way. Stories, mythology, parables... even Jesus Himself used stories to communicate.

Recently, I have been having this odd thing happen where I have no appetite at all, nothing sounds good and I have no desire to eat. This is followed by nearly ravenous hunger. I realize I am pregnant, this may have a good deal to do with it. I am also on medication that affects the appetite. I just find this whole process a bit annoying and a little draining.

I miss my friends. They are scattered all over the country now, some closer than others, but nearly all of them beyond my reach. Becky and Kelly, Jade and Amanda... I miss you all!

My family is much the same way, with my closest relatives a four hour drive away. Although, even when we do have a visit, I find myself tired out and not good company after just a few hours. I sit and listen and smile weakly and wonder how I am going to stay awake and pleasant through the remainder of the visit, even though I am glad they came and enjoy being near them.

I am wishing there was a yarn store nearby. A real yarn store, not just a craft store that has a yarn section. I'd also be happy for a book shop and a tea shop. I wish I could meet some of the friends I have met through blogging- Suzy or Tonia or Amy or Jodi or Mags or Pat. I'd mention Ann as well, but I'd fear she was too busy now she's a famous best selling author. :)

I don't talk on the phone much anymore, and I don't spend a whole lot of time on the computer either. I usually peek in at my email, see if there are any messages on facebook {though I am considering deleting the whole thing} and check in over here. I can do all of this in less than five minutes, most days. I admit, I do a bit of blog reading. Those blogs listed on the right hand side, I do usually read them every day.

Still, I do find it amazing how much I can get done if I don't spend very much time online.

With Trever home most Mondays I sometimes lose track of what day it is, but since tomorrow is, in fact, Monday, and we are starting another school week, I had better wrap this up and see if I can't get some sleep. Sleep has been elusive lately, even though I feel so very tired. This can be such a source of frustration...

Chamomile tea, I think. And a chapter or two of Emily of New Moon. {This is one I never read as a younger person, and I have decided to go ahead and read it now.}

~amy danielle

Feeling My Way

2012-01-18T20:36:00.004-05:00

I've just finished reading Walking On Water. I really can't sum it all up neatly, it's one of those books you'll either hungrily devour or else you won't be able to get into it at all and it will sit on the shelf and collect dust. I think it was just the right time for me to read it. I found it to be very illuminating in many ways, and it made me think.

But today the only thing I am really thinking about is one of the things Mrs. L'Engle talks about in reference to children. She does not believe that we should shelter our children from all of the questionable content in books, literature, life... She claims children have built in filters and deletion modes. If they read something they are not ready to understand, they usually just pass over it. If they don't ask a bunch of questions, it's likely because they are not ready to explore that subject.

And if they do ask questions, you should really only answer the questions they ask, not answer all the ones you anticipate they will want to know the answers to.

While I can certainly see that there may be plenty of exceptions to this, and of course we should be careful what we expose our children to, I see merit in what she is saying.

Take the Bible, for example. The Bible contains stories that are full of violence, betrayal, rape, incest, homosexuality, and sex. So, should we try to edit all that out, make it clean and neat and acceptable for children? I don't think so.

Stick with me a second. We have had a habit of reading the Bible together, as a family. We tend to read straight through a book. We don't skip passages. And there have been stories like, say, Sodom and Gommorah, where Trever and I have read straight through, anticipating a slew of tough questions, only to find that nobody seemed all that interested in diving any deeper into the text. They probably didn't understand. And that was okay.

There have also been times where questions have been asked. We have tried to answer them as simply as possible, only going into detail when further, more specific questions are asked. We try to give them what they need, and that's all.

Sometimes this applies to life in general, and not necessarily to literature or movies. For instance, yesterday I was cooking supper, and Libby was helping me. She started talking about her baby sister, the one I am pregnant with. She was giving me all the credit for making the babies, and I tried to give her dad a little credit by explaining that he, too, helped to make the babies.

She laughed and told me that daddies don't get pregnant.

I replied by explaining that while daddies do not get pregnant, they help make the mommies pregnant.

She asked if this had something to do with kissing.

I smiled at her and told her that's usually how it starts.

{Keep in mind here, she is almost seven years old. She doesn't exactly require, or want, a sex education lesson at this point.}

She decided to ask one more question, just to settle all this in her mind. She said,

"So does that mean that all babies are made with love?"

I answered,

"No baby. But they all should be. And you, and all of your siblings, have been."

And she smiled and seemed perfectly satisfied. For now, anyway.

Being a parent is a hard job, and certainly we are all going to make some mistakes along the way. I am not touting any parenting philosophy, just feeling my way through. But I have found that some of the things Mrs. L'Engle speaks about have a kind of experiential wisdom.

And I think, sometimes, learning to listen to and know your children can go a long way toward knowing what they can and should be exposed to.

~amy danielle

Being Salt

2012-01-17T19:53:00.003-05:00

I made a recipe tonight for cream of asparagus soup from a neat cookbook I checked out from my library called Twelve Months of Monastery Soups. I love the way this cookbook is organized into months, so that the produce which would be in season is called for during the appropriate month. Another perk is that the summer months contain some recipes for chilled soups, for when it is hot outside and something lighter and cooler would be welcomed.

In any case, this asparagus soup recipe was a keeper. The children liked it, and several of them had seconds. It was filling, so the only thing I served it with was fresh bread. Simple and nourishing.

It didn't call for a lot of seasonings- only salt and pepper- to taste.

And I found myself thinking, as I added the salt and pepper, a little at a time, of Jesus's words... How we are supposed to be the salt of the world.

Because honestly, even though that soup was made of fresh, wholesome ingredients, it wasn't very palatable without salt.

I suppose we are supposed to be like that, be people who make this world something delicious and savory when it would otherwise be bland or even detestable. That our love and grace would be a substance that fills and nourishes others...To be God flavors, God colors, to this earth, to the people and places we encounter with His love. To paint all things beautiful.

And I can't help but think that it is possible, as in making soup, to use too much salt. Perhaps we need to tread carefully, add a little, taste. Stir. Wait. Gently does it.

With people, gently does it. Not need to force too much on any one, lest our life become viewed as something unsavory, unpalatable. Love speaks truth, and Jesus is truth, but he is also love personified. He need never be one or the other. Always both.

Salt can make one thirsty for Living Water, or it can parch and choke and dehydrate if it never leads there.

I guess a girl can learn a lot from making a pot of soup.

~amy danielle

A Heavy Post

2012-01-16T17:46:00.004-05:00

I sometimes feel so frustrated that i don't feel I have words to express what I am thinking. It's an abstract kind of frustration, built up in layers, I think. Some of it is being tired, exhausted really. Completely fatigued by chronic illness. I feel I could truly sleep for days on end and wake up feeling much the same. I rarely feel relief from this fatigue, and on the rare occasions I do, it is very short lived indeed.

Some of it has to do with money. I've never liked thinking about money much. Trever has now been out of the army just under a year, and I guess we both assumed he would be settled into a good job by now, but that has not been the way things have worked out. He was offered a little job at a local donut shop when he left the service, which he gladly took, assuming it would be a good way to transition. He is still working there now, though the woman who owns the shop has steadily decreased his hours over the months. Today he was sent his schedule- only eight hours for the entire week. I needn't explain that this will simply not do for a man who is trying to support eight {soon to be nine} children.

Sometimes I rack my brain for ways to make our dollars stretch. I think of cheaper meals, expenses we can cut, things we can do ourselves so as to not necessitate services... but some days, like today, I realize that even with all that, there is not much I can do but pray. And hope.

I rarely share these kinds of feelings with my friends. There are three main reasons for this, I suppose.

The first, if I were to be entirely honest, is that it is sometimes hard to share bad news. No one wants to be a downer. And instinctively, I guess I realize, people do not much like to hear bad news either. I'm sick. I don't feel well. We are struggling financially. Doesn't sound very happy. And really, I'm not complaining. It's a hard season, yes. I am just being honest. It is hard.

The second is that people do not listen well. It is very, very rare to find a friend or family member who will just listen to you in love. People would much rather talk. They want to offer their advice, tell you about their own problems, or else tell you it's not so bad as it seems, things will get better, etc. I'm not saying there is never a time for this, it's just that sometimes you just need someone to listen, to sympathize and to love you. And that's all.

Sometimes, in spite of trying to be positive and make you feel better, people make you simply feel worse. Misunderstood. As though your pain and struggles are insignificant and to be made light of. I suppose sometimes people simply want to feel validated.

The third thing is that sharing is scary. It makes you vulnerable, it shows a side of you that perhaps you don't much like seeing even by yourself. To open yourself up to others in such a personal way can make you feel much, much worse when you are not received with grace. And some of us have a hard time opening up anyway, under the best of circumstances.

I am a private person myself, I struggle to talk about personal things, and I admit, I have been hurt at times when I have ventured out. Sometimes, it has been my closest friends and family members who have hurt me the most, unintentional though it may have been. It has made me timid about opening up.

Sharing is not always safe and relationships always carry risks. They are still worth it. I have learned how important it can be to forgive when you are hurt and how you can allow the hurts in your life to transform you into a gentler, more compassionate person, a better friend, a better listener....

We don't always have to have the right words. Sometimes there just aren't any.

A quote from Henri Nouwen comes to mind:

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Now is the point in this blog post where I realize that I have very effectively gone off on a tangent, and yet I feel too tired to go through and edit it all out. So maybe that is what this post was meant to be. Sometimes when I write, I just allow my thoughts to materialize. That is more or less what this is...

In any case, it has been hard lately. I guess that's more or less the whole point, in case I lost you and you are wondering.

~amy danielle

A Few Of My Favorite Things

2012-01-11T11:18:00.004-05:00

Today it is overcast outside, with rain gently falling. I have always liked the sound of the rain. Something about it is calming to me, almost cathartic.

And this got me to thinking about other things I love. I began by just thinking about them, then I got out a notebook and started writing them down. I found I had rather roughly categorized them by senses: sight, sound, touch, etc.

And then I thought I might like to share them with you here, as a lighter kind of post.

Without further ado, some of my favorite things:

Sounds:
The falling rain. The ocean. Laughter, especially from children. Church bells. Latin chants. Wind chimes. Crackling fires. Whistling tea kettles. Quiet.

Smells:
Coffee. Jasmine. Lavender. Beeswax. Clean babies, fresh from the tub. Cologne on my husband. Fresh laundry. Home made bread. Orange blossoms. Gardenia.

Sight:
Soft light. Sunsets. The smooth, glassy surface of a body of water. Nature. Flowers, especially lilies, sweet peas, daisies, sunflowers, jasmine and lotus blossoms. A star-filled sky. Hummingbirds. Rainbows.

Taste:
Sourdough bread. Fresh herbs, especially rosemary. Tea- all kinds- black, green, oolong, white, herbal. Scones with cream. Cheeses with crackers. Lemons. Gingerbread. Decent wine. Mineral water with lime. Fresh fruit, especially Honeycrisp apples or bananas or crisp, green grapes. Or sweet, ripe watermelons. Hot, fresh, melt-in-your-mouth pralines. French macaroons, most especially pistachio. Italian gelato. Nutella.

Touch/feel:
Hot showers/baths. Lathering up a creamy bar of soap. Snuggling under soft blankets with those I love. Crisp, smooth sheets. Deep, soft, fluffy pillows. Fuzzy socks. Soft, clean towels. Movements of precious babies in the womb.

Other:
My leather-bound Bible. Journals to write in. Stacks of books on my nightstand. Candles. Beautiful yarn and smooth knitting needles. Packages/letters in the mail. Essential oils. Gardens. Uncluttered spaces. Tom's shoes. Talking and laughing and sharing a life with my greatest loves. Libraries. Used bookshops.

I got started and had a hard time stopping; there are so very many things that I love in this life. I've certainly not created an exhaustive list. By no means. But perhaps this will give a tiny glimpse of some of the things that make up me. Not to say that these things personify me, but certainly you can tell a lot about a person by the things they cherish.

How about you, friends? What are some of the things you love most?

~amy danielle

My Awesome Family

2012-01-09T18:06:00.003-05:00

The pizza dough I made has been rising about an hour now, and is just about ready to be rolled out and transformed into delicious, homemade pizzas by my handsome husband. I am sitting on our couch, listening to the boys play Monopoly, and thankful they didn't insist on me playing, since I loathe the game with a passion. Justice and Aiden are playing happily with their blocks, Andrew is frying bacon {presumably to go on the pizzas} and the other children are occupied with watching the pizzas materialize. {Owen is actually rolling out a very small little lump of dough, imitating his daddy, and the others are instructing him. It's pretty stinkin cute.}

Though it is a little louder than I'd prefer, I am feeling pretty grateful right now.

The room I am sitting in was painted by my mom and sister this weekend. It makes me feel like I am sitting in a whole new house. See, I had painted it about five years ago, a chocolatey brown color. I liked it a lot, at the time. Now, though, I am living with a chronic illness that keeps me home a lot more than I used to be. What once felt like a warm room began feeling dark and oppressive.

I have read that people are sensitive to light, or the lack thereof, so much so that not getting enough light can actually cause depression. I fully believe this is true.

The living room and hallway are now a light, peachy beige.

And when I look at it, I remember that my family really loves me. My mom and sister did not have to use up one of their weekends after working full-time all week to come up here {a four hour drive, one way} and work the whole weekend on my house. But they did. And they did a really great job, by the way.

I kind of lost it a little bit, in fact. My mom had me ride with her to the store to pick up a couple things, and when we were getting out of the car, I happened to glance over and see a little paperback book, face down, in the middle of the two front sears in the car. It caught my eye because I thought it looked familiar, so I turned it over. It was Lisa Copen's book, Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways To Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend. I had written about it in this blog post, a couple weeks ago. I had strongly recommended it to anyone who wanted to love, encourage and understand a friend or family member with chronic illness.
My mom quickly grabbed the book out of my hand, calling me nosy, or some other silly thing. But I had seen. "Christin bought the book?" I asked, voice a little trembly.

It made me cry. This one little thing spoke volumes to my heart. I never asked her to buy the book. But her wanting to understand, to bless and help... it was just another gesture that screamed- YOUR FAMILY LOVES YOU. It also made me realize my sister regularly reads my blog. I didn't actually know that, but I think it is pretty awesome.

My family is awesome. My heart feels full.

And that is really something amazing to be grateful for.

Stomach Bugs

2012-01-05T16:17:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was plain awful.

Well. I guess the whole day wasn't bad, but it started falling apart pretty quickly after dinner. Owen started it off by vomiting all over himself in the car when Trever took him to pick the children up from their church classes. We got him out, we got him bathed, we got his car seat taken apart and its cover in the wash with his clothes. And then he threw up again.

It seems this was just the beginning of a night long vomit fest.

Aiden decided to join the party at about one a.m.

I sat in the bathroom supervising Aiden and Owen in the bathtub while Trever took the couch cushion covers off and threw them in the wash, along with more soiled clothes, towels and blankets. Just when we'd feel it may be safe to take them out of the tub and get them dried off and dressed to go back to bed, they'd throw up again. All over the floor, themselves, me, Trever, etc.

We gave them some Pepto Bismol. They threw that up. We let them sip ginger ale. They threw that up too. Poor little things. After a while you could tell they were tired out and lethargic, but still they were sick.

Finally, they settled into little pallets we made them on the floor. {The couch cushion covers were not all back in place yet, and neither were their blankets and such finished through the wash cycle.} We relented and put on Caillou. {I am not a fan, but they love him.} They went to sleep, and I stumbled back into my bed at about 3 a.m.

And while they slept until almost 9, Dylan was up at 7, hugging the toilet. Poor little guy.

Thankfully, we are now caught up on laundry and everyone seems to be feeling better. I have no idea what that was all about. I just know I am one tired mama today.

I had planned to run a couple errands this afternoon, but that has all been put off for another day. Maybe tomorrow. Today consists mainly of airing out the house, lazying about, reading, sipping hot tea, napping and just recovering from yesterday.

Soup and sandwiches are on the menu for supper tonight. Easy, warming and comforting. I am contemplating an early bedtime, too.

And I have decided not to be too unhappy about it.

Hanging in There

2012-01-03T19:38:00.004-05:00

Today has been one of those days when the children have all been too loud and unruly and the sheer noise and chaos of it all has left me feeling a teeny bit overwhelmed. I should have known it would be this way first thing this morning because I did not sleep well last night, and when I wake up feeling particularly weary, it's as if the kids sense weakness and go for the kill.

Well. I may be slightly exaggerating. But not much. {Ask me on a day I am well rested for a less biased opinion.}

Anyway, all day long I have been looking forward to bedtime. Ahhh, the sheer bliss of peace and quiet! And I am craving quiet in a pretty desperate way.

Last year {or was it the year before? I can't remember...} we replaced the carpeting in our living room and hall way with hard floors. And I am so glad about it because our carpet was old and yucky and I literally cleaned it about every two weeks. {Just ask my friend Becky if you don't believe me.} I have BOYS, y'all. They go outside and come back in covered in dirt. COVERED. I've considered not allowing them out, but boys really NEED to go outside {so do girls, incidentally}. Or maybe it's that I really NEED them to go outside sometimes. Either way.

We can now {thankfully} easily sweep up all the dirt they track inside, but it isn't without a serious trade-off: The hard floors do not absorb noise like carpet can. Sometimes, I miss the carpet. Just not enough to trade my hard floors. I think the best solution might be for me to lose a little of my hearing. You know, just enough to happily dull out some of the background noise. Yeah, that would do it.

My RA has been pretty flared up lately, which leaves me with some pain and swelling and lots of fatigue, but not-so-great sleep. Somehow, this makes being a patient mama a bit more challenging. And something is up with my vocal chords. Maybe there's a little swelling going on there too, because when I read aloud to the kiddos earlier, I lost my voice.

There are lots of things I want to do, but only so much of me to go around. I'm trying to accept my limitations and do the best I can. And I'm trying not to be a great big baby and cry when my toddler unravels an entire roll of toilet paper all over the bathroom floor. Which is wet, by the way. *Sigh*

It's not that big of a deal, right?

I keep thinking about this post I want to write about my thoughts for this new year, and I'm quite sure I will get around to it... eventually. But as for right now, I am not all that concerned about it and just waiting for a better time, when I'm in a more contemplative mood.

Because today aint it, friends.

Just sayin'.

Beads, Screwdrivers and Naps

2012-01-02T11:58:00.004-05:00

"Never put a screwdriver into any ones body parts."

That is the brilliant parenting advice I gave to my nine year old this morning.

This was followed up by looking at my daughter and passing on this pearl of wisdom: "Don't put beads into any of your body parts either."

What a morning.

I am fairly certain no one has ever said that life with eight {soon to be nine} children was dull. Far from it, these imaginative little ones keep me on my toes. Most of the time, it is joy. But there are the occasional mornings marked with more than a little exasperation on my part.

Like today.

I wanted to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head by 10 a.m.

Liberty, who was supposed to be cleaning her room, apparently decided that a bead from her broken necklace looked just the right size to fit in her ear. While it did fit rather snugly, her little experiment turned into panic when she discovered she could not retrieve said bead. It was stuck.

It seems the more she tried to get it out, the further down it went. At this point, you would think she would have come to me for help. Oh, no. Enter her older brother. He would be her bead-extracting savior. His instrument of choice? A small screwdriver.

Any mother knows when things are quiet just a bit too long, it is best to see what her children are up to. You know, in case one of them is inserting a screwdriver into another ones ear.

Thankfully, I was able to get the bead out, because there was a moment there where I envisioned myself in the emergency room, explaining the whole mess. All the beads have been gathered up and deposited into the trash can, and screwdriver safety laws have been reviewed.

Still, I can't help but wonder what the average person would think if they happened to walk past an open window of my house and heard me lecturing my children.

Save me, Jesus.

And now I think I am going to take a nap.

You never know what the rest of the day may hold.

Rescued Crayons

2012-01-01T19:56:00.002-05:00

I suppose there has always been a part of me that wants to do things right. Do you know what I mean by that? I went to school where I was taught there was a right way to hold my pencil, to form my sentences when I write, to do any number of things. There was a right way, and everything else was the wrong way.

Incidentally, I still hold my pencil wrongly. Yet, somehow, my penmanship has always been much better than most of my peers. Odd, don't you think?

Perhaps we are all meant to do things just a bit different. And perhaps, things don't always fit neatly into categories labeled right and wrong.

Yet, the desire to squeeze into that mold still occasionally comes back to taunt me. Sometimes I cringe at the incomplete sentences I use in my writing, or the ones that would be considered run-ons by my grammar school teachers. Or the ones that I begin with the words "but" or "and".

I write that way because, honestly, that is the way I think. And I want my writing to reflect that. When I write, I want whoever reads it {even if it's only me} to hear my voice.

Perhaps this little quirk I have will help illustrate my point.

I get upset when my kids lose crayons and the set is incomplete. I love when they are all safely put away in their cardboard house, lined up and unbroken and just waiting to create something colorful and lovely when bidden.

I also hate it when they break them and then just throw them away. It seems to me that they should be somehow rescued. There must be some other use for these misfits.

{This also reminds me of the year we wondered if it were possible for one-year-olds to have OCD, since my fourth son, Josiah, refused to eat a banana if it broke in half. I ate, ahem, rescued, a lot of rejected bananas that year.}

Anyway, I can't stop my children from breaking crayons and I am not willing to employ my husband's strategy either. He suggests we stop buying them crayons all together. But I just can't bring myself to do that. I am just not willing to deprive my children of having crayons. Shouldn't every child get to color?

So, I have taken to picking up the broken, beat up crayons I find lying around, peeling off the papers that list their names, and tucking them into a little box I have reserved just for this purpose. Even broken crayons can color a pretty picture.

And then it hits me. I am like those broken crayons! No matter how much I admire the beautiful set of unmarred crayons, I am much more like the conglomeration of mixed up, yet vibrant, colors inside my little box. The things I say and think are not always ordered. They are not picture perfect. They are more likely to be random, just like pulling a chance piece of rescued, colored wax out of my box.

But they can still color a pretty picture.

I am thinking this year may be the beginning of me not trying so hard to do everything right. I don't even need to emulate those I admire most. I can let them be them and me be me. I can learn from others and still make things my own.

I am feeling right now like this is really pretty freeing.

And free is good.

Ways To Help Someone Who Is Chronically Ill...

2011-12-30T11:19:00.005-05:00

Having a chronic illness presents many challenges. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that it is not usually temporary. What I mean is, when a woman has a baby or gets the flu, usually friends, family members, or the church they belong to brings in meals for a few days, tosses in a load or two of laundry, and helps them get over the hump. After a few days, there is little need for help.

This is not the case with chronic illness. Often, the sick person does not recover within a few days or weeks. The illness lingers. And so does the need for help. But often, the help does not come. People tend to forget that this person needs help long term, and often the sick person him/herself doesn't feel comfortable asking for it.

And then there are many who want to help, but are not sure what to do or say. Often, they will say something like, "If you need anything, let me know." The only problem is, it's hard sometimes to call someone and ask them to wash your dishes or do your laundry, to pick up groceries or prescriptions or make a casserole. It makes you feel like an intrusion when you know these kind people have their own lives to live, their own children to feed, their own groceries to shop for.

I have given all of this a lot of thought as I have laid in my bed, unable to do much physically because of the pain and inflammation of my illnesses. I have wondered whether God has perhaps allowed me to experience this, at least in part, in order to understand those with chronic illnesses better, to cultivate a sense of compassion and empathy I could not otherwise posses. I am determined, whether I get better or just have a few good days here or there, to find ways to minister love and support to other people with chronic illnesses.

I have thought up lots of ways to minister practically and emotionally, and have considered writing about it, in hopes that it might help someone else to be a blessing. But I was very excited to find there was a book already published that is chock full of suggestions for blessing those with chronic illnesses.

Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways To Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend by Lisa J. Copen is a gem. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to bless a sick friend, family or church member, or just a person in their community who needs support or encouragement. There are so many wonderful ideas, that there really is something for everyone. And I truly see this as a book I would refer back to over and over to come up with more ideas when I can't think of anything else.

But just to give you a little taste, I want to share some of my favorites:

#23 Don't say, "So, why aren't you healed yet?" or "I wonder what God is trying to teach you that you just aren't learning!"

#24 For a unique gift, provide brightly colored paper plates, napkins, and utensils in a gift bag with a note that says "For when you don't feel like doing dishes."

#28 Purchase matching coffee mugs for you and your friend, and then commit to pray for one another each morning while using them.

#41 Accept that her chronic illness may not go away. If she's accepting it, don't tell her the illness is winning and she's giving in to it.

#42 Don't say, "Let me know if there is anything I can do." People rarely feel comfortable saying, "Yes, my laundry." Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission.

#53 Do not reassure her that God can heal all illnesses if one has enough faith. People with illness know God is capable of healing. Do remind her that God knows and cares.

#59 Say, "I'd like to bring you dinner next week. Would Monday or Tuesday night be better?"

#68 Never say, "I know just how you feel!" even if you are absolutely positive that you do.

#71 Drop by her house with a fancy cup of hot tea or coffee on a dreary rainy day and tell her you were thinking of her.

#74 Be aware of his favorite books and pick them up when you see them.

#141 Not every piece of correspondence requires a long letter. Include a sticky note with a newspaper clipping, a recipe, an interesting magazine article, or a cartoon; and just write, "Thought you would enjoy this! Thinking of you!"

#152 Watch your friend's children so she and her spouse can have a night out.

#157 Don't share any horror stories: about illness, surgeries, hospitals- nothing.

#163 Don't let your fear of not knowing what to say prevent you from keeping in touch.

#168 Don't say, "Oh, you're much too young to have that disease."

#188 Bring her some cute refrigerator magnets for photos and cards you will send.

#198 Don't assume that he has plenty of meals delivered and plenty of daily cards. He likely has much less than you believe.

#209 Give a gift card to a major variety store {Wal-Mart, grocery stores, etc.} for necessities one needs and can't afford.

There are lots, lots more, and there are also scripture verses and lovely quotes that inspire and encourage... I will close with my personal favorite, by Henri Nouwen:

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

I really don't think I could have said it any better myself.

May we look for ways to make our love and concern tangible in the lives of those who need us.

Remember, Jesus told us when we minister to the least of these, we are ministering to Him.

~amy danielle

{Kind friends, I do hope this post has helped, in some small way, to equip you to bless others. Please share your own ideas, if you feel led to do so, in the box below. Perhaps a way you have blessed someone else, or a way you have been blessed? I would love to hear from you...}

Jodi's post

2011-12-29T16:33:00.003-05:00

Just because this post was lovely and, quite frankly, just what I needed today... on a day when I am struggling with a lot of pain and limitations because of chronic illness... And also because then it will be here where I can refer back to it any time I'd like {and I am quite sure I will be reading it again}...

Jodi's *In-Your-Face* post to rheumatoid arthritis.

Short but cheery, very encouraging, beautiful attitude, and well worth the read.

Stress and Peace

2011-12-28T16:17:00.002-05:00

Words are swirling around in my head...
Too many words. It feels a bit dizzying, really.
There is so much to do, so much left undone at the end of every. single. day.
And I wonder if I am making any head way.
Will I look back on these crazy days with regret,
and thoughts of what I failed to do? Or will what was accomplished be enough?
By His grace?

For a woman that tends to measure success or failure by accomplishments,
by that to-do list getting smaller and the house getting tidy and the laundry all washed and folded and put away,
the children behaving and obedient and the marriage blissful and the walk with God vibrant and growing and the sin-sick soul spontaneously healing from hours and days in His Presence...

What does a woman like this do when the floor is sticky and a clean pair of underwear can't be found and the to-do list grows longer instead of shorter? What should she think when her children bicker and fight and disobey their parents and steal sweets out of the refrigerator when she isn't paying attention? When her husband is discouraged with his job and finances and everything feels strained and it doesn't seem anything is going to get a whole lot better any time soon?

And what if the sin in her life looms large and she begins to feel hopeless she will ever learn or change, when her times with her Lord are dry and dusty?

She falls at the feet of Jesus and holds on for dear life.

She confesses her impotence to change and lets Him change her. She stops looking at outward circumstances and gets a glimpse of what may be occurring behind the scenes of ordinary, messy life: Souls being molded into His image.

She allows her role as an Image-bearer instead of her role as an underwear washer take precedence.

And then, somehow, Peace comes.

Peace that is a person- Jesus.

{Oh Jesus, come today. Come now. How we need you here, in this place. Every single minute. Amen.}

When life gets Loud

2011-12-28T11:48:00.002-05:00

I have eight {soon-to-be nine} children. I am accustomed to noise, on some level. But I would like to say that not all noise is considered equal.

When my children are talking, playing, running and laughing, they are loud. But it is a good loud.

It's the bickering, arguing and fighting that gets to me.

Sometimes, I feel pretty worn out breaking up fights all day long. I crave peace. Not necessarily quiet, though I confess sometimes that sounds pretty appealing as well. But just that peace that passes all understanding when tempers flare and chaos reigns and everything feels a lot bigger than it really is.

Jesus said all the commandments could be summed up in just two: Love God and love others. Perhaps all of Christianity could be encapsulated in just that. It's simple, but not always easy to live out.

Because love is not just a fuzzy feeling that comes and goes, but an action that is intentional, that sometimes costs us something. 1 Corinthians 13 defines love. Love is patient and kind, even when it doesn't feel like it. It isn't self-seeking or easily angered. It doesn't keep record of wrongs, and it never gives up.

This is the kind of love that families need, this love that forgives and covers. The freedom to make mistakes, the grace to be forgiven. The peace that tempers the noise. The determination to speak those words of gentleness when you'd rather raise your voice and give vent to your anger.

And this only comes from Jesus.

{Oh Father! In all the noise, the bickering and fighting, please be present. Teach us to love. Give us wisdom, soft words on our tongues that turn away anger, gentleness to extend when harshness pervades the atmosphere of this family... Let us love like You do, with patience and self-sacrifice, not thinking of ourselves, but You, and others. Always others. May your Spirit reign in our hearts, and Your peace that passes all understanding be ours today. May it spill out of us, onto our children, our spouses, and all those whose paths we cross. In Jesus's Name I pray. Amen.}

Peeking over My Shoulder

2011-12-27T17:57:00.002-05:00

We recycle. This may not sound interesting or impressive to most of the world, but it *is* a tad unusual for the area we live in. We don't have a second trash bin for recyclables. We collect our own, and drive it down to the tiny recycle center a couple times a month.

Really, that's not what this post is about. But it does explain a bit of background. Because our oldest boys have been taught, over and over again, which items go into the recycle bin: Plastic milk jugs and cardboard cartons, boxes pasta came in and plastic containers of yogurt and sour cream and the like...

One of my sons was taking one such item outside to the bin this afternoon. I was watching him do it. When he got out there, he tossed it toward the bin. He missed. And then, he looked over his shoulder. He saw I was looking, so he bent over, picked it up, and put it where it belonged.

But it was obvious he was not planning to do so until he knew I was watching.

And it made me wonder- am I like that in regards to God?

I mean, on some level I know God is always watching. But I would not be honest if I were to act as though things go on exactly the same when I am aware of His presence and when I'm completely oblivious.

I forget. I fail. I sin.

I have what one of my favorite blogger-friends calls "soul amnesia."

And yet, I believe that Jesus Christ is a very real Presence in my home, in my life, in my day-to-day activities.

I believe.

So today, my prayer is that I would always see Him with the eyes of faith, every time I look over my shoulder.

And maybe that I wouldn't have to look over my shoulder in the first place.

~scribbled down during the organized chaos of my day,

amy danielle

A little recommended reading

2011-12-26T20:01:00.003-05:00

Just popping in quickly to share a post that resonated deeply with me over the last few days, by dear Tonia @ Study in Brown...

Because I have found it is true. We don't want people in our lives with all the answers. We want to surround ourselves with people who have walked the hard things through to the other side, who have experienced, emerged, and have been tempered by life and grace...

Please. If you find a few moments, read this. It is worth the time.

Anniversay Poem

2011-12-20T22:21:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to share the sweet poem our 11 year old son wrote for Trever and I today, to commemorate our fourteenth wedding anniversary. Because it's moments like this that make us feel heart-full.

For fourteen years
You've been together
Through bad times
And bad weather

You love us with all your heart
You can't buy that kind of love at Wal-Mart

When we're good
And when we're bad
You're the most loving mom & dad

Dad has hair with awesome style
And he always makes me smile
Mom is prettier than a rose
She loves when we're friends
And not foes

They love when we're good
and hate when we're bad
They are the best
Mom and dad

Riley Jarrett Smith age 11

Happy anniversary to us, Trever. And many, many more, Lord willing.

~amy danielle

California Cornbread :)

2011-12-18T19:24:00.000-05:00

I have lived for the last several years in a part of the United States that many refer to as "The Deep South." Here, folks like their tea sickeningly sweet and their cornbread, well, not. I have no idea how Northerners do it, but I was born and raised on the West Coast, in California. And there, I learned to prefer my tea unsweetened and my cornbread a little on the sweeter side.

And speaking of cornbread, this is the time of year I make a ton of it, because this is the time of year I make a lot of chili and soups and stews. And also because this is the time of year where I can turn my oven on in the house without thinking our home is geographically located just slightly above Hades. {Humidity, much?}

So, if you are game for a fail-proof, slightly sweeter cornbread {think: Marie Calender's} then you might give this one a try. My Aunt gave it to me several years ago, and now it is the only one I use. Kid tested and approved. It's easy, it tastes good, and I can make it from memory. All BIG pluses in my book. I make a pan every time I make chili. Sometimes two. We rarely have any leftovers.

Without further ado, I give you Aunt Carol's Cornbread Recipe:

Ingredients:
1 stick butter
3 eggs
2 boxes Jiffy or Flako Corn Muffin Mix
1/2 cup sugar
8 oz sour cream
1 can creamed corn (I know what you're thinking. Don't be scared. I'm not crazy about the stuff either but it makes the cornbread taste YUMMY!)

Preheat your oven to 350. Put the stick of butter in a 9 x 13 baking pan. Pop it in the oven until it is just melted. Mix all the other ingredients together in a mixing bowl. Pour it over the melted butter. DO NOT MIX IN THE BUTTER. Bake for about 30 minutes, until golden and done in the center.

Enjoy!!

~amy danielle

Prayer and Praise

2011-12-18T17:06:00.004-05:00

Rather than me telling you whatever is on my mind at the moment, I wanted to change it up a bit, and allow some of you to tell me what's on yours. As the weekend comes to a close, I would like to offer this humble space for prayer requests and/or praise reports. Is there anything on your heart, dear friends?

Maybe there are some of you who would like to share something you are grateful for? Something you recognize as one of God's gifts to you? A way He has made His love tangible in your life?

Or, perhaps there is something you are struggling with? Something you are concerned about? Is there something weighing you down today, making your heart feel heavy?

Let's lift one another up.

And may we be thankful together that we have a God who hears and answers the prayers of His people. Such wild grace....

{Please leave your prayer requests in the wee box below. Grace, mercy and peace be yours, precious friends, from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.}

On Limitations...

2011-12-18T11:29:00.003-05:00

I wonder from time to time if some of you who may find their way to this little corner of the internet suffer with chronic illness, as I do. I have met some truly delightful people by way of blogging, and God has been so gracious as to knit our hearts together, though we have never met in person. Still, I would imagine that the vast majority of my readers here are my dear friends and family, and keeping that in mind, I don't write often about being sick.

And just to clarify, it isn't because I am being secretive or hiding anything. It is only because I wonder whether it will be discouraging to hear, especially on a regular basis. I often wish I had happy, cheerful news, the kind of stuff that makes the reader smile... and some days, I really do. I have a good life, friends, and so very much to be grateful for.

But some days, like today, I have to wrestle with my own heart to be content with my physical limitations, and this can be very trying indeed. I wonder whether this is an experience you all may relate to on some level, whether physical or not?

There is part of me that really wants to pop up out of my bed, tidy up the house, clean out a few closets, start the laundry, put on some Christmas hymns and dance with my babies around the living room, and make loads and loads of peppermint bark and cookies and popcorn balls with the children, sampling every thing as we go along. I'd love to play football with my boys and their daddy in the front yard or go roller skating with my daughter.

And sometimes, it is so much more simple, so much more elemental, than even that. Sometimes, I struggle to walk because my ankles or knees are so swollen, or I find I can't squeeze shampoo out of the bottle or flush the toilet handle when my wrists are so inflamed. Sometimes, I fall asleep just trying to pray or read my Bible because the fatigue is so exhausting. I think one of the hardest things I struggle with is that while my body is so often exhausted, my mind is not. Having physical limitations does not reduce the amount of time you have to simply think.

And thinking can be a battle all of its own.

Sometimes I wonder what my life will be like, if my health will continue to deteriorate until I can do nothing, how much of a burden it will become to my dear husband, what my children will remember of their childhood- a sick mother? Or a joyful home, regardless?

Of course, there is always the very real possibility that I will get better.

I hold out hope for that.

At the same time, I try to just live each moment, by God's grace.

So, for today, I think I will settle on just playing music and making peppermint bark. I might take a few pictures, too. Then, very likely, I'll take a nap. And I will thank God for the warm, soft bed I lay in, the beautiful people who make up my family and who surround me with love and laughter, the pain medication that brings some measure of relief, and the music and peppermint bark.

Mostly though, I will thank Him for the grace that carries me gently, moment by moment, and day by day.

~amy danielle

All I Ever Have To Be...

2011-12-17T14:08:00.002-05:00

I find it funny how I sometimes find myself nostalgic, circling back to the memories of other times and places and people and music... and sometimes I find, in reading an old journal entry or listening to a song from way back when, it sums up perfectly what I am feeling right now. Ever have that happen?

Lately, I have gotten more than a little sick of myself. Longing so much to be all God wants me to be, making some of the same mistakes over and over, yet striving to be renewed and transformed. Ironically, all at the same time, I *do* realize that transformation does not come through striving, but as a gift from God, by His grace.

And that's where this old song came in. It is one I used to listen to years ago, and it came back to me, unbidden, at just the right time. Perhaps you have heard it before?

All I Ever Have To Be ~Amy Grant

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.

But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.

How We Chose Our Baby Names

2011-12-06T18:47:00.004-05:00

Trever and I take the responsibility and privilege of choosing names for our babies very seriously. And I just thought, perhaps, y'all might like to know what steps we take when trying to pick out the perfect name for our children.

First, we are very big on the *meanings* of names. We usually scour etymology websites and look up all kinds of names, tossing the ones with meanings we aren't crazy about. We started doing this with our first, but continued it with more gusto after reading the Bible and discovering how the meanings of names were closely tied to their spiritual character. We just thought that was very special and wanted to pass that on to our children.

Second, we {try} to choose names that are not overly common or popular, mainly because our last name is Smith- the most common last name in the United States. At the same time, we try not to choose names that are so bizarre that people question whether we really love our children or not. {smiles}

Lastly, {and this one is obvious} we pick names we like. I tend to be drawn to names of Irish descent, hence names like Aiden and Riley, and Dylan's middle name, Patrick. We also tend to like names that end in that "n" sound, so we are trying to add a little variety. {I strongly considered naming this new baby Eden, though then our last three children would be Aiden, Owen and Eden. Seemed a little too close.}

Now that you have a little background, I'd like to share with you the name we have chosen for our new daughter, due in May:

Maya Susanna.

Maya is derived from the Hebrew word "mayim", which means "water".

Susanna is derived from the Hebrew name Shoshannah, which means "lily".

Maya Susanna is our sweet little water lily.

Did I mention we are also very fond of nicknames? Our six year old daughter, Liberty, has been going by Libby Lu since she was a baby. So now we have a Libby Lu and a Maya Sue. {smiles}

And I think, sometimes, you just know when a name fits into your family. Maya already feels like a beautiful fit.

~amy danielle

Baby Number Nine!

2011-12-06T17:41:00.002-05:00

Today we went to get an ultrasound at the birth center.

We decided to let Liberty, our one lone daughter smack in the middle of seven sons, come with us to see the ultrasound. This is supposed to be the baby that she gets to be the big helper with.

I will admit that part of me has felt a little funny during this pregnancy, praying specifically for a girl. I don't usually do that. Mainly because I have seven boys, and I adore each and every one of them, and though so many have wished girls on us to even things out, I have secretly liked having boys. But this time around, my heart ached for my daughter, who has been praying for a sister for the last four years, faithfully.

She has tried explaining to Trever and I that we have lots of boys and no other girls and we really should have a girl. But we just kept on having boys. I would encourage her to pray, telling her it was really up to God what we got. And pray she did. Regularly, faithfully, privately and with the rest of the family, for FOUR YEARS.

Just to give you perspective, we would be sitting down to eat dinner, and I wasn't even pregnant, and she would ask if she could pray over the food. Then her prayer would go something like this: Thank you Lord, for this food, and please bless it to our bodies. And please let mommy have a baby and let the baby be a GIRL. In Jesus's name, AMEN.

Trever and I would steal a glance at one another and my heart would constrict, just a little.

So today was a very big day.

The ultrasound technician was very sweet and pointed out all the features to Libby, who was having a hard time figuring out what she was looking at. She showed her the face, the hands, feet, etc. She made measurements of the brain, the heart, the spine, etc. And then the moment came.

She looked in between the tiny little legs and casually said, "I think its a girl."

I quickly looked at my daughter and then back at the ultrasound tech.

I told her, "This is our daughter, and she REALLY wants a sister because she has no sisters and SEVEN BROTHERS."

She repeated what I said, "She has NO SISTERS and SEVEN BROTHERS?!?!"

Trever and I nodded.

Then she said, "Well hang on a minute then. If I tell this girl it's a girl then I had better mean it, hadn't I?"

I quite possibly held my breath at this point as I considered how crushed Libby might be now if she had made a mistake.

But she hadn't. Upon zooming in, and with an even better view, she was able to absolutely confirm, WE ARE HAVING A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And as if this wasn't enough to make for a great visit, she also told me she was able to see everything so well, even though I was so early, because I was such a SKINNY patient. Yep. She called me skinny. {Okay folks, it's the little things...}

Liberty got to announce the news to all her waiting brothers, who were all thrilled. And now she is talking to her baby sister and calling her by name...

Maya.

~amy danielle

Let the Petty Stuff Go

2011-12-06T00:20:00.002-05:00

Have you ever read something and it's like your mind and heart start shouting, "Yes!! Exactly!!! Oh my goodness!! I COMPLETELY agree!" Well, that happened for me tonight when I read this article, and I just wanted to be sure and share it while I was thinking about it.

Remembering we are all wearing the same jersey tonight and letting all the petty stuff go...

~amy danielle

Soul Encourager

2011-12-03T18:55:00.001-05:00

Thinking long about making my family thirstier for Christ, being salt and light, making others crave the Living Water. I need to drink deep myself.

I lay awake late into the night, mind and heart aching and straining to find answers, help, peace, both for myself and for others. Sometimes I find myself fighting a downward spiral into despair...

When will I ever change? How can I live life without wasting the precious moments, days, years I am given?

I see oldest son, now thirteen, whose shoes are bigger than mine and who is almost as tall. How long will he sleep under my roof, eat my meals, hear my words?

I see littlest son, now two years old. Wasn't it only yesterday I writhed in pain as he came forth into autumn coolness? I blinked, and now it is now his second winter and he is walking and talking and smiling and getting his signature Smith curls. And what a joy he is to our family....

I get so caught up in the tyranny of the urgent. I fail to see the picture, big and long and stretched out to eternity. These souls, mine and theirs, must find strength to reach out, grasping hold of the One who holds us in His hands.

I get weary of reaching. I fall into bed bone tired and the achiness is deeper than skin. The heart throbs for God, the soul cries for the peace that passes understanding.

The psalmist speaks to his own soul- why so downcast? Hope in God. And I follow his example and become my own soul-encourager. Why so downcast, oh my soul?? Put your hope in God. I will be filled as I pour out. The holy paradox that is the recipe for contentment.

In the hectic, noise-filled chaos, I must learn to lift my soul to Him, and to keep a quiet heart.

Father, I lift up to you my despair.

And receive hope.

I lift up my anger.

And receive self-control.

I lift up restlessness, frustration, discouragement.

And receive peace, joy, love.

My cup, emptied of self, flows over.

{A gently edited post from last year. My hope is it finds its way to some soul who needs encouragement. Hope in God, friends. His grace is always enough.}

God's Good Gifts

2011-11-30T10:48:00.002-05:00

This post will be short. We just got home from visiting my mom in Florida. And let me tell you what: A four hour drive seems like an eternity when you have eight children aged 2 to 13 years. {And a pregnant mommy.} It isn't that my children are BAD, just that there are a million reasons why having children {and being pregnant} prolongs car trips. Like teeny, tiny bladders. *sigh*

Anyway, I wanted to share two neat little blessings God had plopped into my lap this week. They may seem coincidental or trivial to some, but sometimes it's the little things in life that really make your day. Know what I mean?

So for a little background, I will let you know that Trever and I have been trying to a) Get rid of as much *stuff* as we can. Things we don't need, don't use, or have enough of. We are trying to throw it out, sell it, give it away, etc. And b) Be as frugal as we can with our finances so we can give to those who need it. Earthquake victims in Haiti, refugees in Burma, homeless people and orphans in our own city. That kind of thing.

We have a long way to go. I can't say I have done the best job in the world either. But I AM trying. And that is why these little blessings mean so much. It's like God sees my meagerest efforts and smiles.

For example, at the grocery store the other day, I was standing in line and looking at the candy bars. I tell ya what, whoever put them there at the front where you have to stand still and stare at them was a marketing genius. And I love me a good Hershey bar. I wanted one, and wouldn't have normally thought twice about buying a candy bar that costs less than a buck. But then I started thinking about what my dollar could do instead. I also thought about the fact that I don't NEED a Hershey bar. People need clothes, food, shelter... So I put it back.

Later that day we received a package in the mail from my father. There was a smaller box inside the larger one with my name on it. And when I opened it up, lo and behold, can you guess? A Hershey bar. Two actually. With almonds. What are the odds?

But I have saved the best for last. I have been occasionally going to the PX to *visit* a purse I will never buy. It is super cute. I fantasize about how darling I will look toting it around. People will stop and stare and whisper to themselves, "Did you see that stylish woman with the cute purse?" But my little daydreaming bubble is violently burst every time I check the price tag and find it is still $102. And I am just not able to convince myself that it would be a justifiable purchase.

Believe me, I've tried.

I brought it up casually in conversation to Trever. He smiled and nodded and looked companionably pleasant until I mentioned the price. Then he just stared. Gaped. And then he smirked. The smirk said, "She's kidding. She would NEVER do such a dumb thing." I hate smirks.

I pointed out there was no sales tax at the PX. I'm actually serious.

I called one of my best friends and told her about the dilemma. She was kind and said all the things I wanted to hear. But I knew better. I knew I did not NEED a $102 purse. And that fact remains solid even if I compare my $102 purse to the far, far more expensive purses out there. I know some people who own them. It doesn't matter. Not really. I know it is still not a good idea to spend that much money on an accessory.

So, imagine my amazement when I WON A PURSE!!! I entered a drawing on my friend's blog. I really entertained no hopeful thoughts that I would win, because I usually never win anything, no matter how many tickets I buy or positive thoughts I think. I was mainly trying to support my friend's contest. But sure enough, I came home, checked my facebook page and had a message stating I was the winner of a darling little purse she made with her own hands. How neat is that?!?!

As I sat pondering all this, I realized it is really much more than Hershey bars and purses. It's all the little ways God chooses to bless me. The Bible says every good gift comes from God. (James 1:17) When we choose to believe that, we see He truly has given us so many wonderful gifts. Our families, spouses, children. Our homes. Or even the simpler gifts.

A wildflower your little girl picks for you at the park. A misspelled love letter from one of your young sons. The tenderness that you feel when your husband comes up behind you in the kitchen and circles your waist with his arms. The timeliness of a kind word of encouragement from a close friend. A smile from a stranger.

God's gifts are truly all around us, if we only take the time to see them. Just a reminder to myself to be grateful for God's good gifts.

In the words of the old hymn:
Count your blessings name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God hath done;
Count your blessings,
Name them one by one;
Count your many blessings,
See what God hath done.

Our Christmas Begins To Take Shape

2011-11-28T18:31:00.005-05:00

As Trever and I seek God as to whether or not we should celebrate Christmas, and what exactly that celebration should look like if we do, we will share with you some of the things we are thinking through and trying to walk out.

But first, I'd like to tackle some of the comments we have received regarding our dear friend, Mr. Interesting. As I mentioned before, we love him very much and he is truly a believer. He is our brother. And if he is wrong, if Christmas is indeed something Christians have liberty to celebrate, to redeem, well, then that would make him what scripture calls the weaker brother. I just think we need to love him, to be sensitive to him, and to make concessions where we can. {Please understand, I am NOT saying he IS wrong. I am simply making the point that if we are right and he is wrong, our behavior toward him should still be loving and Christ like. I was a bit shocked to get so many private messages that essentially suggested we should not care about what he thinks and just go on with our celebration, even if it causes him to stumble. That it wasn't *our* problem. This just doesn't sit well with me, even if it was meant well by those who suggested it.}

I've have Christian friends {and family members} who don't eat pork or shellfish, who attempt to obey the Levitical diet laws in the Old Testament. They have very firm convictions about it and are convinced they are obeying God. I don't carry that same conviction, based on several passages in the New Testament. However, when they come over for dinner, or even if we order out, I don't put pork chops or shrimp on the menu, and I don't order it while I dine out with them, for *their* sake.

So, in the same vein, we felt the Christmas issue demanded our thoughtful consideration, prayers, and sensitivity. That's just how we feel about it.

It has brought a lot of topics up for discussion I have never really thought about before.

One of the things Trever and I did was start a facebook thread about it. We got lots of great insight, opinions and ideas. It gave us a lot to consider. Based on this, and a lot of research we have done, we have found that the argument for or against Christians celebrating Christmas generally falls into three main categories. I will briefly touch on each.

First, there is the group that says Christmas is, at its inception, pagan. Christians are not supposed to mix holy and unholy things. God finds this an abomination, because He demands His people be separate and worship Him in the pattern/way He has commanded. Therefore, Christians should not celebrate Christmas or participate in any way.

Second, Christ redeems. Therefore, it matters very little if a particular tradition was started by a pagan. The tree, for example, belonged to God before it was used by pagans to make idols. So, Christians can, and should, change and redeem pagan practices to reflect Christ and give thanks for all things.

Third, it is a conscience issue. Christians have liberty to basically do whatever they want as long as they are not convicted otherwise or it is specifically forbidden in scripture. Therefore, they can participate in pagan practices, as long as their hearts are right with God.

{I hope I did not communicate any of this in a flippant manner. That is not my intention. I am simply trying to be brief, since this is a rather long post.}

Honestly, Trever and I see merit in the first two viewpoints, the third one not-so-much. Several people shared their thoughts with us who would fall into this third viewpoint, and essentially, they told us about how much they loved Christmas, how much fun they have with their families, how they didn't care what the pagan origins were and how they didn't see any issue with celebrating it because they were not convicted of God otherwise. Ironically, these were usually also the people who seemed annoyed with our Mr. Interesting and who advised us to ignore his issues with the holiday and do whatever we felt was right for our family.

The problem is, it doesn't *really* matter if we like something, if it is fun, pretty or something we look forward to because it evokes happy feelings and family togetherness. I am quite sure all of that is true. It's just that the real issue is whether or not it is acceptable to God. And honestly, I'm not sure if the I-don't-feel-convicted-so-it's-okay rationale is going to cut it with God.

Christian liberty is not an occasion to sin. Period. So, the question becomes, does God want us to celebrate Christmas?

Again, I don't know the answer. But Trever and I have talked through all the aspects we could think of, prayed about it, listened to other Christians... and THIS is what we have come up with. {Please understand I am not suggesting every family do this, or that we are right and everyone who does something different is wrong. This is just what we are doing, as we attempt to follow Christ.}

DECEMBER 25TH
While we know this was not the birth date Jesus was born, and very likely not even the season He was born in, we find some merit in choosing to celebrate at a time when a large majority of the world, our brothers and sisters in Christ, all remember Emmanuel, God with us- the gift of the birth of Christ. As for the fact that December 25th is linked with paganism, well, all days belong to God, and we believe all days should be used to worship Him.

THE CHRISTMAS TREE:
We tossed ours. I know, shocking, right? Actually, at first we put it up, deciding to only put Christ centered ornaments on it. Then we talked about it with the kids, the pagan origins, etc. We explained that we were NOT worshiping the tree, or making an idol of it. But then we started thinking, well, why *ARE* we putting it in our living room for the month of December anyway? We couldn't think of anything about it that represented or honored Christ, and if it was simply a pretty decoration to enjoy, we could find something else pretty to do that *didn't* have pagan origins and that left our consciences clear. We asked our children if we found another way to decorate with lights and our Christ-centered ornaments, if they would miss the tree. They all enthusiastically said no. So, out it went, and this is one of the things we did instead:
{with the lights on}

{with the lights off}

GIFT GIVING:
Some say we give gifts in imitation of the wise men giving gifts to the Christ child. But what were the gifts given? You all know the answer to this one: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Why these gifts? Gold, because they recognized Jesus was a king. Frankincense, because he was also a priest. Myrrh, because he was born to die, a sacrifice for all of mankind. These gifts were given for a purpose, thoughtfully. So, we have decided the gifts we give others, and especially our children, should follow this pattern. If my children need a new pair of pants or shoes, we think this is a perfectly acceptable gift. Otherwise, we want to focus on giving gifts that further our walk with Jesus. We just don't see how buying video games or things of that nature honor Christ. {Not that there is anything wrong with these kind of gifts, we simply reserve them for birthdays or other times, since THIS holiday is supposed to be about JESUS.} We also think it is extremely important to be outward focused as well. In other words, our giving should extend past our families to others in need. We love looking through World Vision, Compassion International and Gospel For Asia gift catalogs, where you can purchase items such as blankets, mosquito nets, medicine, farm animals and seeds for planting, all for needy families throughout the world. Caring for the least of these is certainly a God-honoring way of giving, we believe. {We also recommend Amazima and Mercy House ministries}

CAROLING:
We are avoiding all the secular aspects of the holiday, to include Santa, Rudolph and Frosty. So, we won't be singing songs about them with our kiddos. Rather, we find such a rich variety of beautiful hymns and praise songs about the advent of Christ, that we are not only happy to sing them and teach them to our children, but we are very strongly considering singing them all year, and not just in December!

MISTLETOE:
I don't need a hanging plant to encourage me to kiss my hunky hubby, and I'm surely not planning to kiss anyone else under it! {wink}

EGGNOG, HAM, OTHER HOLIDAY FOODS:
We believe God made all foods clean. Incidentally, I love eggnog and gingerbread all year long.

OTHER THINGS WE PLAN TO DO:
We are going through an advent devotional with our children, which begins with the creation story and goes up through the birth of Christ, tying together all the prophesies Christ's birth fulfilled and, hopefully, bringing us into a worshipful and thankful place in our hearts this season.

We share this with all of you in hopes we are being transparent as we try to follow Christ. We are still learning, and very well may tweak things as we go along. None of this is meant to be received in a harsh, rude, or judgmental tone. It's all in love, friends.

May we all seek to make every season, every day, be Christ centered and God honoring.

~amy danielle

{Please feel free to share your kind thoughts in the wee box below. Differing viewpoints are welcomed, as long as they are communicated in love. We would also love to hear ways you are making Christmas Christ-centered.}

Mr Interesting Questions Christmas

2011-11-27T11:41:00.003-05:00

So, we have this friend. I will call him Mr. Interesting. Mr. Interesting is a Christian, and he really, truly, passionately loves the Lord. This is part of the reason we love him so dearly. He blesses us, encourages us, and sometimes causes us to think about things we have never really considered before.

Sometimes this is painful.

Recently, Mr. Interesting gently challenged us to consider *why* we really celebrate Christmas, questioning the pagan origins of the different traditions and bringing into question whether God would really have us *Christianize* a pagan holiday, or whether He wants us to worship and celebrate Him in the ways He has specifically commanded in scripture.

Mr. Interesting contends that Christmas is *not* a Christian holiday, rather, he believes God sees it as an abomination.

Yikes.

Honestly, my first reaction was just shock. And then I think I may have gotten a teeny bit defensive, because whether a pagan thousands of years ago started cutting down trees, decorating them and making them into idols to worship- well, that was certainly NOT what I was doing when I set up my Christmas tree and put my Christ centered ornaments on it and talked with my children about the "true meaning of Christmas".

Yet, at the same time, I really do genuinely *try* to see things from different viewpoints, to really listen and try to understand where they are coming from. And, as I said before, I love Mr. Interesting. And I know he loves Jesus, too, so I decided to do a little research and pray about it. Trever and I discussed every angle we could see and asked for feedback to see angles that were not quite so visible and prayed God would not allow us to let our selves get in the way of what He truly wanted for our family.

You know what we came up with though? We don't have an answer. Yes, there are some pagan origins to some of our Christmas traditions. {Incidentally, there are also some pagan origins to almost everything we do- from the days and months on our calendar to the way we tell time, though, granted, these are not issues that involve worship.} We are left wondering, should Christians *redeem* this holiday for Christ? Or should we elect not to participate?

We don't know. We respect brothers and sisters on both sides of the fence in this scenario. We truly see issues with both sides AND merit on both sides. I don't know if there is a right answer.

Trever finally suggested we go ahead and participate this year, praying our way through it, and trying to be as sensitive as possible to God's leading. The Bible says a good tree can not bear bad fruit, neither can a bad tree bear good fruit. Trever thinks we should examine the fruit, then decide if it is truly helping our family to honor Christ.

Some may think we are taking things too far, that we are taking this too seriously, while others may think we have not taken things far enough, that we should immediately cease to participate. But we are really at a loss, and honestly, we JUST want to do what God wants.

We are trying to avoid the secular aspects- Santa, materialism, etc. and focus on the aspects of the holiday we see as being God honoring and Christ centered.

But if I am truly honest, I would tell you I am a bit confused about the whole thing. And I am a little worried about Mr. Interesting coming over to fellowship with us and having to explain the tree we are planning to put up with our children. *sigh*

I realize some of you may think this entire thing is silly, but really, I believe we should think about the things we do and why we do them, especially in relation to worship. I've been told one or two {thousand} times that I tend to over analyze things. I do. And I have married a {wonderful} man who tends to do the same. Even so, I encourage you to think these matters through. You might one day have a dear friend like our Mr. Interesting, and when/if you do, you'll need to know why you believe/do the things you do.

Can I solicit your prayers and encouragement for our family during this time?

I invite you to share your {gentle, loving} thoughts in the wee box below.

Much love to you all,
~amy danielle

God or the Bible?

2011-11-21T22:08:00.002-05:00

I got this in my email today and felt that it was worth sharing. I hope someone who stumbles across this blog might find this and read it in its entirety.

Please feel personally invited to share your thoughts in the wee box at the bottom of the post.

~amy danielle

WORD FOR THE WEEK 6 November 2011
Christian Fellowship Church, Bangalore, India
http://www.cfcindia.com
------------------------------------------------------------

The Difference between Knowing God and Knowing the Bible

Zac Poonen

It is much easier to know the Bible than it is to know God - because you don’t have to pay a price to know the Bible; all you have to do is study. You can be immoral in your personal life and impure in your thought life, and still know the Bible very well. You can be a well-known preacher and yet be a great lover of money at the same time. But, you can’t know God and be immoral in your life. You can’t know God and be a lover of money. That’s impossible! And that’s why most preachers take the easier path of knowing the Bible rather than knowing God.

I want to ask you: Are you happy with just knowing the Bible or is there a desperate hunger in your hearts to know the Lord? The apostle Paul said in Philippians 3:8-10 that his greatest longing was to know the Lord better. He considered everything else as rubbish compared to knowing the Lord. Paul gave up all his pearls for this pearl of great price. The secret of Paul’s ministry is to be found not in the years that he spent studying the Bible at Gamaliel’s seminary, but in his personal knowledge of the Lord.

"Eternal life is to know God and Jesus Christ personally" (John 17:3). We have perhaps defined eternal life as living eternally in heaven. But that was not how Jesus defined it. Eternal life has nothing to do with going to heaven or escaping hell. It has to do with knowing the Lord. To know God intimately and personally has been the passion of my life and the burden of my heart. I know that my ministry can have Divine authority only as I know God personally. And so, in all of our churches, I have sought to lead people to a knowledge of God Himself.

There is more Bible knowledge today than ever before in history. For nearly 1500 years after the day of Pentecost, there were no printed Bibles available anywhere. Only in the last two centuries have Bibles been so freely available. Today, we have so many versions and concordances and study-helps. But do you think all this increased Bible knowledge has produced holier Christians? No. If Bible knowledge could produce holiness, we should be having the godliest people in history living today. But we don’t. Satan himself would have been holy if Bible knowledge could produce holiness - for no one knows the Bible as well as he does. We have so many seminaries today teaching the Bible to thousands of students. But, are the godliest people in the world today found in those seminaries? No. Many seminary graduates today are worse than the heathen.

Some years ago, I met a seminary graduate from one of India’s top evangelical seminaries, who had stood first in his graduating class. He told me that after three years in that seminary, his spiritual condition was worse than when he first joined it. What then did that seminary teach him? It had taught him facts about the Bible and about Christianity. Satan himself could have graduated as first in the class, from such a seminary.

What was the use of that young man learning Hermeneutics, and what the "higher critics" had said, and what the root-meanings of Greek words were, if he hadn’t overcome anger, bitterness, lustful thoughts and the love of money? With his newly-acquired certificate, he would soon become a pastor of a church. But, what would he teach the people in his church, whose biggest problems would be moral and not theological? He wouldn’t be able to help them at all, in any of those areas. This is how God’s work around the world is being destroyed.

Only if you know God yourself, will you be able to lead your flock to know Him. If you have victory over sin in your own life, you’ll be able to lead your flock also to victory over sin. Then they too will be equipped to go out and serve the Lord - with authority and power. Do you think the devil is impressed by anyone’s Bible knowledge or degree-certificates? Not at all. Satan fears only holy, humble men and women who know God.

May God help us to lead our younger brothers and sisters to know God.

Quiet Hearted Mama

2011-11-20T22:15:00.001-05:00

Eight a.m.

Sounds whir past. Feet of all sizes slapping the ground, scurrying to and fro. The dishwasher and washing machine already humming along, cleaning up breakfast dishes and piles of laundry that grow like leaven. Broom swipes the floor, collects dust and bits of paper and fragments of outside adventures, and wash cloths wipe counters, sinks and tables clean.

Babies whine for mama and need diapers changed. Happily they settle in to play with a few treasured toys, or to be entertained by older siblings. Giggles and coos accent the busy air.

Mama tries to find a few minutes to sip strong coffee, to center, to pray.
It will be several hours before there is quiet in the house, so she must find quiet in her heart.

She has learned that there are no emergencies, that He is present, and that she must keep a quiet heart in a very loud world.

{edited repost from the archives}

His Thoughts Said... His Father Said...

2011-11-17T19:05:00.006-05:00

Pondering some words from one of my spiritual mentors, Amy Carmichael, this evening...

"His thoughts said, I am ashamed because of my poverty of love and my interrupted obedience.

His Father said, I know it all. I know thee as thou art and yet I love thee.

His thoughts said, I often pray to be delivered from slothfulness that all the spaces of my
time may be fruitfully filled by Thee; and yet the spaces seem to me quite empty, and the
little that is done is so imperfectly done that I am ashamed.

His Father said, Commit thine empty spaces to Me, and let thy trust be in the tender mercy
of thy God for ever and ever. I will perfect thine imperfections."

And this one, balm to my weary heart...

"His thoughts said, I could do better work for my Lord if it were not that I am tired. I am
tired of being tired.

His Father said, Jesus, being wearied with His journey, sat thus on the well. Art thou not
willing to be wearied with thy journey? Many are wearied in the service of self, the world,
earthly glory- thou art loosed from that bondage. Rejoice in thy liberty to be weary for
His sake who loved thee and gave Himself for thee. Abide in His love, and thou shalt learn
to give as He gave, even in weariness; to live as He lived, more than conqueror over the
flesh."

Both quotations are from her lovely little book, His Thoughts Said... His Father Said...

CCM and The Music Industry

2011-11-16T21:06:00.002-05:00

I grew up on hymns and praise choruses and the Maranatha! singers music. Well. And whatever sappy love songs or pop my mom listened to in the car.

I didn't grow up with a whole lot of CCM. That's Christian Contemporary Music, in case you aren't down with the lingo. The CCM industry was just starting to really boom when I was a teenager. It was a new experience for me.

I remember the very first CCM cd I got. (And I was thrilled to get a cd, as cds were fairly NEW back then. I had just graduated from cassette tapes.) Anyway, I was in high school, and a friend and I decided to go check out a meeting that the FCA club was having. (Fellowship of Christian Athletes.) Well. *She* wanted to go, and asked if I would go with her. I have never fancied myself an athlete.

Soooo, we went. And while I found the meeting less than thrilling, at the end they had a nifty little drawing. I think the leaders of the club were trying to get the kids more interested in Christian music, as most of us all listened mainly to whatever was on the radio. I can only speak for myself, but my dad listened to a lot of classic rock (think 60s-early 90s) so I listened to a lot of that. I loved 80s music. And I listened to whatever top 40s hits were playing as well.

This drawing involved having a number called, and if it was yours, you got to go up and select one of the new *Christian* cds they had purchased. My number was picked fairly early on, while there was still a big selection. Only problem was, I had never heard of any of these bands before. Still, I looked at the covers and picked out a D.C. Talk cd. It was their newly released Jesus Freak album.

My friend's number was selected a few turns after mine, and she chose a Dakota Motor Company cd. {Remember them, anyone??}

So we took our cs home and listened to them and gave the whole CCM thing a try. I liked my cd. Eventually, I collected more *Christian* music. It was amazing to me that the Christan book stores had so much to choose from in categories like rock, alternative, metal, etc.

I gotta say, some of it was good and some of it not-so-much. But I did greatly expand my musical repertoire. Yay me.

Now, my oldest son is almost the age I was when I got that first DC Talk cd. He listens to a lot of the same bands I did. And some new ones too. But maybe being a mother has caused me to ponder things from a new perspective. I think CCM is good and fine, with a great big *IF* attached to the end of that statement. I think it is good and fine *IF* the main goal is to glorify Jesus Christ in the music, not just sound like the rest of the hip, cool ,trendy world and make a new market to sell albums.

I guess I am saying you can not just add some Jesus to your lyrics and call it good. I think today's youth inherently knows this, and often that is why they shirk CCM to begin with. Because some of it is phony.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm all for CCM. *IF*

I'm not going to try and judge the hearts of the musicians behind every album. That's not my job. I just know that when it comes to selecting music, and helping my children select music, the one question I come back to is, does this help us glorify God?

I've got a mess of opinions on music, but the long and short of it is I believe music is inherently spiritual. And it is powerful. Ever been in the grocery store and gotten a song stuck in your head? I have. Lots of times.

Just makes me more careful about what I deliberately put in my head and in my children's.

How about you? Do you have any thoughts on CCM, or just music in general?

~amy danielle

God in the Details

2011-11-13T18:34:00.002-05:00

"We can all see God in exceptional things, but it requires the culture of spiritual discipline to see God in every detail. Never allow that the haphazard is anything less than God’s appointed order, and be ready to discover the Divine designs any where." - Oswald Chambers

Looking for Him in all things this weekend, in the big and the small, in every detail...

~amy danielle

Heartbeat

2011-11-11T21:01:00.004-05:00

I know the Bible teaches that there are times and seasons for everything. I sometimes wonder, with no little amazement, at blogger friends I have who write every day on their blogs. Or nearly every day, with few exceptions.

Me, sometimes I get on a roll and seem to have a lot to say for a while. But, inevitably, I go through seasons where I just don't feel like I have a whole lot to say that is worthwhile. And sometimes, I just don't feel very good. Chronic illness has a way of draining you from time to time.

God is good to me. I am profoundly grateful for His provision. He has given us enough, every month, to pay our bills and provide for our basic necessities. Yes, things have been tight lately. Trever has been applying to what seems like hundreds of jobs, and... nothing yet. Still, we have a roof over our head, electricity, water, groceries. I have never gone hungry a single day in my life. And neither have my children.

I have never had to go to sleep wondering how I was going to feed my babies. Yes, I have wondered how we were going to afford a birthday gift or new clothes or shoes to replace the worn out ones. But even then, God has always provided and really? don't I have a tremendous amount of things to be grateful for?

I am sick. Being sick is hard, I'm not going to lie. Having so many physical limitations can be truly humbling. But don't I have a tremendous amount of things to be grateful for? I have a warm, soft bed to rest in when I am tired, a husband who works hard to take care of me, sometimes coming home from working a shift to prepare a dinner I could not make. I have access to medical care, medication, and hot water to soothe aches and pains.

There are so many who do not have these things.

I suppose, in all of life, we have a choice. We can focus on what we have, or we can focus on what we don't.

I believe that sometimes, the things we want- whether that is more money or health or security- those things are perhaps not as effective at bringing us close to our Lord's side. My lack has caused me to press closer to Him, close enough that I could hear His heartbeat. And along with being encouraged to be content with what I have, my eyes have seen through His...

Do you know what I see? I see that He comforts me in order to enable me to comfort others. He provides for me and asks me to help others, that others may be able to feed their families, pay their bills. There are not too many people in this world, not too few resources... It's just that those who have need to distribute, need to *share* what they have with those who do not have.

The key, for me, to not being overwhelmed by chronic illness, is to simply take one day at a time. Being patient, allowing God to work His will into my life, has been challenging at times. This illness, in terrific irony, has taught me better how to trust God.

"Nothing shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every trial is a message from God and intended to do us good in the end. Trials make us think, wean us from the world, send us to the Bible, drive us to our knees. Health is a good thing. But sickness is better, if it leads us to God. Prosperity is a great mercy. But adversity is a greater one, if it brings us to Christ." ~ Ryle

My greatest temptation is to become discouraged by my limitations, because there is so much more I want to do for God. I see needs all around me, and feel limited by my health and lack of finances. So I press closer to His heart, and I listen for what He would have me do. My lack drives me to Him, where there is endless supply.

And dear ones, His plan is never overwhelming, when lived out moment by moment, in His power. He gives more grace. For each need, each day, each hour.

Always, always grace.

From My Heart

2011-10-24T16:39:00.004-04:00

I haven't been online much lately. Occasionally I pop on for a few minutes to check email, facebook messages and to read a blog or two I frequent. But really, I haven't much felt like spending time on the computer.

I've thought of coming here, several times, and writing about what's been going on. But I suppose I haven't much felt like doing that either.

The truth is, I haven't been feeling very good. Nausea and vomiting are two of my least favorite companions. And they've been hanging out a lot lately.

Plus, I've had these weird new symptoms crop up. Rapid heartbeat (my resting heartbeat is usually above 100 beats per minute), palpitations, weakness in my legs and arms, raised temperatures... The thing is, when you have had as many health issues as I have had over the last year, you tend to just assume it is related to one of your other problems and you just plan to mention it to your doctor the next time you see him/her, but other than that, you just kind of move on.

Well, my thyroid blood work came back indicating hyperthyroidism. HyPERthyroidism?? I mean, I've been treated for hyPOthyroidism in the past, but to suddenly develop hyperthyroidism seems odd. At first, I assumed the blood work had to have been off. That was before I did a little research and discovered that most of my new symptoms were symptoms of hyperthyroidism.

So, I saw my primary care physician today, who went over my lab results and then decided it would be best, especially since I am pregnant, to refer me to an endocrinologist. I find this terribly ironic, since my midwife tried to refer me to an endocrinologist last year, before I even went to the rheumatologist, but that particular endocrinoligst refused to see me. Too busy.

So, hopefully this time around, I'll get referred to a doctor who will see me, and hopefully it will happen soon. It would be awesome to start feeling better.

I am wondering if my issue is actually with the thyroid itself, or if it is a problem that stems from the adrenal glands or the pituitary gland. If it is any of those things, the endocrinologist is the right guy to see.

And while I am scared to get my hopes up, the prospect of being properly diagnosed and treated sounds pretty amazing.

On other fronts, I am nearing the end of my first trimester of pregnancy. The nausea is letting up some. And, most importantly, the baby seems to be doing just fine. I am so grateful for that.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I'd like to do more journaling, but sometimes that is a challenge, since I still journal the old fashioned way- by writing, with a pen, in a journal. And on days when my hands and wrists hurt, though my mind wants to write, my body does not. This has drastically cut down my letter writing as well, which makes me sad. I do so love getting a letter in the mail, and I love to send them to others as well. Perhaps soon.

My husband is amazing. He takes such good care of me and does all sorts of extra things he should not have to do because I currently can not do them. All of the children are well, enjoying their new AWANA classes and plugging away at their schoolwork. Andrew has made excellent progress in his current math course.

Our dogs are driving me crazy.

And the weather has changed from hot and humid to cool and crisp. I couldn't be happier about that. In fact, it got cool enough this past weekend that Trever dug out my electric blanket for me. I've been drinking hot tea in bed in the evenings, under my toasty blanket. Hot bath and showers help massage away stiff, achy joints. Really, I can't complain. I have so very much to be thankful for.

I have struggled lately with wanting to do so much more than I physically can. I read amazing books like Kisses From Katie, and I wish that I too could bless the least of these with the love of Jesus. Today, I could barely walk from the doctor's examining room to the receptionist's desk. My heart was pounding through my chest and it felt as though my heart would explode. I began breaking out in a cold sweat and felt I was going to pass out.

It's a frustrating contradiction I live in: Mild exercise is good for several of my conditions. I *WANT* to exercise! To take a walk with my husband or go with my children to the park... but when I try to do anything of the sort, I am met with limitations. Weakness, heart issues, pain. Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly weak, I don't even attempt to take a shower without Trever being home. There have been times I have taken a shower and gotten to weak, I've had to sit down in the bathtub. And when the R.A. is particularly flared up, getting out of the bath tub is incredibly difficult. It concerns me to think of getting myself into that situation when Trever is at work. So I often just wait for him to be home.

It's just a new way of thinking. I never before had to think about taking bathing precautions. Actually, I tried to time all my showers before Trever got home from work, so I smelled and looked nice when he arrived.

I wish I could say that I am always positive and focused on the Lord. The truth is, lately I've been particularly annoyed with friends and family members who seem to want to only focus on the good side. I feel like it doesn't validate what I am going through. Because what I am going through is HARD. I struggle. I've snapped at my poor mother on more than one occasion when she tells me that God is going to heal me completely. I've been negative and snappish about other things as well. I know she wants to believe this and I know she loves me and only wants my best. I guess I just feel like I am hurting NOW, I am struggling NOW....

Don't get me wrong, if God chooses to cure me of all this mess, I would be THRILLED. But I guess I feel like I need to focus on living NOW, here, with things as they are. As my spiritual mentor Amy Carmichael says, "In acceptance lieth peace." And so many people look at acceptance as giving up, as defeat. Yet I know of no other way to find joy in the present.

So I'm letting out a big sigh and turning again to God, trusting. I'm looking for all the ways He blesses me, every day. I'm searching for the ways I *can* bless others, even here, in this condition. I'm spending some time in self-examination, surrendering all those ugly areas of my heart to Him once again, asking for forgiveness, for cleansing, and allowing Him to turn ashes into beauty.

And if you've read all the way to here, thank you, kind friends, for your interest in my life and my journey. I suppose all those weeks of not being able to write with a pen has caused this blog post to be a bit long, and resembling a journal entry more than a little.

May all the circumstances of our life causes us to live deeper, more loving lives.

In Jesus,

~amy danielle

The Way We Feel About Halloween

2011-10-13T18:22:00.000-04:00

When our first two children were very young, we dressed them up on Halloween. Usually we just paraded them around for their relatives to see how cute they looked dressed up as giraffes or lions or what have you. Occasionally we would go to whatever function our church was hosting as a Halloween alternative. I can remember one single time we took them trick-or-treating. Our oldest was then two and a half.

Pretty early on, we decided not to participate in Halloween due to the obviously sinister origins of the holiday. We also became increasingly concerned with safety issues, and were more and more appalled at what parents where allowing their (very small) children to dress up as. I vividly remember one year when we saw a very tiny little girl dressed up as a prostitute. It greatly disturbed us.

I know some people who take a stand for Christ, turn out their porch lights, and refuse to participate at all. I understand and respect that. But it isn't what we do in our home.

We still buy candy by the ton. We let our children pass out candy to trick-or-treaters, along with really neat gospel tracts from livingwaters.com. We can't pass up an opportunity to have dozens and dozens of kids come to our door, opening up their bags and pillow cases and taking whatever we give them. So, along with the sugar, we give them Jesus.

And we eat lots of goodies. I pull out my grandmother's recipes for cider and pumpkin bread and peppermint popcorn balls. Sometimes we watch Charlie Brown. My kids look forward to Halloween, because it is family oriented and full of good things.

I want my children to understand why, in some aspects, we don't participate. But I don't my kids to feel they missed out on something really cool either.

I hope you all don't find us terribly unspiritual, but I honestly don't think there is ever a bad day for cider and pumpkin bread and popcorn balls. Or gospel tracts and candy.

Even if it is on a night when the kids come to the door dressed as devils and witches and characters from horror movies.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:20-21

Why

2011-09-24T16:50:00.004-04:00

I've been avoiding you, blog.

It's not you, really. It's me.

I've been in a rough spot. And when I get to be in that place, it's hard for me to talk about it. I tend to be quite introverted at times. Sharing makes you vulnerable. Being vulnerable can be terrifying.

But I have finally found my footing, and I know there's no use me going on like this, hiding away.

The truth is, I don't always understand God or all the things He chooses to allow into His world.

There, I said it.

I don't understand why He, all powerful and full of love and compassion, allows babies to die or horrible diseases to ravage our bodies or couples who want a baby to be infertile or any of the other awful, painful things that happen in life. I don't know. I struggle to come to grips with it.

Yet somewhere deep, I know He loves. I know it.

It seems, it feels like these two facts can not be reconciled:
God is love.
God allows suffering.

But somehow, some way, they ARE reconciled. In Him. In Jesus.

It is not easy to accept at times.

I have recently shared about a miracle that occured in my body. I went from being on numerous medications and growing steadily worse to being drug-free and without pain. I knew a future pregnancy was incredibly unlikely, maybe impossible. Within a few weeks of that healing, I was expecting.

Yet the symptoms have returned.

Pain, stiffness, difficulty sleeping. I am still *much* more functional than I was. I am still off of all those drugs. (I take Tylenol on occasion to take the edge off the pain. Obviously, during pregnancy, my pain management options are somewhat limited.) I am still carrying our miracle baby. I am grateful for all I can do.

Yet I wonder why. Why pain? Why is the disease still here? I have no doubt God *could* heal me completely. So why not?

I have wrestled with this question, and many others. They have haunted me, because all the whys lead down a slippery slope to the same ultimate questions- Does God care? Does God love me? Because *if* He does... why?

I don't have all the answers. I know this:
He loves me.
He cares.
His grace is sufficient.

I can only give you what I have been given and that is this...

The most important goal in my life is not health or wealth...

It is to *know* Him.

Sometimes, I have allowed myself to be more focused on His Hand than on His Heart. When I focus on myself, my circumstances, what I want Him to do *for* me, I have taken my eyes off of Him. That is when confusion, despair, sets in.

You sink when you become preoccupied with the waves.

You walk on water when you fully behold Jesus.

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Cor. 13:12

For now, I am simply looking ahead, and thankful for the day when all the whys will be answered, every tear wiped away, pain gone forever... and for the grace, the faith, to trust, until that day.

~amy danielle

Dreams

2011-09-14T17:33:00.003-04:00

When I was 15 years old, my mother started attending a new church in the inner city. I'd have to tell you I wasn't crazy about going, if I were to be completely honest. The music was too loud. So were the people, for that matter. The youth group she insisted I attend was, well, flat out weird. I was embarrassed to bring my friends.

Eventually I settled in and made some friends, and, most importantly, I got to know who God was.

One of the people who most influenced me at that time was one of my youth leaders, Francine. She was beautiful, she had a great sense of humor {which goes a long way in my book!} and she was completely sold out for Jesus.

Sometimes, she would swing by after she got off work and pick me up early to go to church on Thursday nights. She would drive to the church and pick up this big, beat-up van. It must have been a 12 or 15 passenger van, because it was bigger than a minivan and only slightly smaller than a school bus. :) Then, she'd drive it into the ghetto and we would pick people up for youth group.

In the beginning, I hated going. I mean, I loved spending time with her, but I would have preferred it to be *alone*. I felt like these other kids were infringing on my time. (It aint pretty friends, but it's the truth.)

Then of course there was the fact that some of the neighborhoods weren't so great, and I was afraid we'd break down and get mugged. (These were in the days BEFORE we all had cell phones.)

But Francine didn't seem one bit concerned.

And after a while, I was friends with all those kids and wasn't concerned about the neighborhoods and didn't hate the music and didn't even mind sharing my time with Fran.

In fact, after a while, I remembering telling God how awesome I thought it was that Francince did that, and how neat I thought it would be if one day He would give *me* a big 'ol van and a bunch of kids to fill it up for church.

Can I just tell you, sometimes God has a funny way of answering our prayers?

Because now, I own a 15 passenger van, I am pregnant with our ninth child, and on a regular basis, that van is full of kids we have dedicated to God.

I share this for two reasons:

First, because it is awesome and it makes me smile. :)

And second, because I think there are a lot of us out there who have had some sort of dream in our lives seem to float away as life went on. Our gifts and talents are not being used in the way we may have imagined. But I believe that God has a beautiful way of merging our dreams for our life and His dreams for our life, and making them a masterpiece.

I'm not telling you to let go of your dreams, but I am telling you to hold them loosely. Let God mold them. Co-operate with Him. You'll never regret it.

~amy danielle

Holy Indifference

2011-09-14T16:42:00.003-04:00

There have been many times in my life where I have been devastated because of the negative comments, ugliness, indifference or the lack of support I expected to receive from family or friends.

For instance, I have had family members range in reaction from completely indifferent (as though enthusiasm might *encourage* us to continue being irresponsible) to down-right mean when we have announced a new baby was on the way. One of my family members would not speak to me for several months after I became pregnant with my daughter, Liberty.

{I am deliberately not naming names.}

Sometimes, I was angry at these ugly responses. Sometimes, I ended up bawling my eyes out because of them. And sometimes, I resorted to acting as if I couldn't care less. (One time my husband and I considered not announcing a pregnancy until the baby was BORN. Yes, really.)

But this funny thing happened right after God healed me. He gave me this beautiful gift that I will call holy indifference.

I wanted to share my amazing news of healing with my family and friends, but I felt free from any ugly reactions. I knew there was a possibility they would think I was crazy. I just didn't care. If they were happy with me, it was an awesome bonus. But I was not longer dependant on it to be happy. It couldn't shake me.

I felt the same way when we discovered we were expecting this miracle baby. (Please keep in mind, I miscarried our last baby and was given very little hope from my doctor that this would even be an option in our future.) We didn't wait to share our news. We told every one right away. And we weren't worried about how they were going to take the news, either, like we always have been before.

I look at it this way: If you won a million dollars, but someone in your life (or even a stranger at the grocery store or Wal-Mart) wasn't happy for you, would you care? I wouldn't. I'd be so excited about winning a million dollars, I wouldn't care how people felt about it.

Well friends, I feel like I *have* won a million dollars.

I trust fully that the God who is knitting this precious little one into my womb will also provide. My God will supply all our needs according to His riches in glory.

I am so profoundly grateful.

I may have mentioned before that prior to being married, I didn't want children AT ALL. I was not the little girl who loved to hold babies at church or babysit or anything like that. I certainly never imagined myself having a large family by any one's standards. All of that changed (albeit gently, little by little) the moment I saw our first son on that ultrasound screen.

I firmly believe with all of my heart that this was (and is) a God-thing. He is the one who put this dream into the hearts of my husband and I, and He is the one who is (miraculously) bringing it to pass.

I feel strangely immune, inoculated from the criticism of this world. I feel on top of the world and on His shoulders, sheltered by the shadow of His wings.

It's a good place to be.

And may I just encourage you today? The only opinion that matters is God's. May we live only for His nod, for His smile. And may He grant all of us this precious holy indifference about every thought that diagrees with His thoughts for us.

~amy danielle

Spiritual Detours

2011-09-11T16:02:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one in the world who thinks like I do.

I mean, granted, we are all a wee bit different. I know that. I just wonder sometimes HOW different I am.

Lately, I've been thinking about my tendency to want everything perfect. For instance, if I look over something I wrote and am not happy with my penmanship, I feel the urge to crumple it up and toss it.

When I write something and later find there are errors, whether in the grammar or content, I'd rather redo the whole thing, rather than leave it as it is.

I have started several journals, gone for long periods of time without writing in them, and then struggled to continue writing in them because of whatever I've already got scrawled in there. Like, somehow, NOW doesn't *go together* with THEN.

I got a healthy dose of perspective once when I read No Compromise, the biography Melody Green wrote about her husband, Keith. {I strongly recommend this book!} He kept regular, faithful journals form the time he was very young, way before he became a Christian. Some of his beliefs, in the beginning, were waaaaaaaay off. But you know, I was blessed to read some of them anyway. It showed me how far God brought him, and that he was just a normal guy, just like anyone else.

At times, he wrote about his struggles as a Christian. Sometimes he would write about his victories, the amazing things he learned form the Lord. He just wrote about where he was at the time. I guess there are moments it all doesn't seem to fit together. But it does.

Anyway, I bet you're wondering where I am going with this.

I guess I struggle with wanting to delete all the icky stuff and publish all new stuff and say "See?! *NOW* I have it all right!!"

What do you do when you realize you have been believing some lies in regard to your faith?

Do you go back and get rid of all the evidence that shows you did? Or, are you honest and admit you've made some mistakes, thanking God for showing you His Truth?

So, okay, I admit it: I've made some mistakes. I'm far from perfect. But I am so very thankful God was not content to leave me that way. Truly, all I want is to know His Truth, and walk in it.

I plan to leave the posts here on my blog, even though as I read them I have to admit I don't agree with all the things I said. I believed them when I wrote them. But now I see there was some serious confusion in my heart.

Still, this is my spiritual journey, and I feel it would be dishonest not to include my detours. I'm really just a humble pilgrim, friends.

Thank you for grace.

~amy danielle

Exploring Isaiah Chapter 6

2011-09-10T11:50:00.001-04:00

Chapter 6
One of my favorite chapters in Isaiah. It is clear that when Isaiah is confronted with both the holiness of God and the sin in himself, he is overwhelmed, undone. Thomas D. Bernard makes a great point when he says, "Our sense of sin is in proportion to our nearness to God."

I think it is important to point out that, while anyone would be undone by such an encounter with God, Isaiah lived before Jesus dies on the cross. Atonement for sin had to be made by the priests on behalf of the people, and it was more like their sin was temporarily *covered* than blotted out or washed away.

I also find it important that we learn about all od God's attributes, because they all give us another portrait of who He really is. Yes, His attributes include consuming holiness, but they equally include cleansing grace.

The coals in the temple had soaked up the blood of the animal sacrifice. Hence their atoning power.

Isaiah was anointed of God to speak to the people only after his sin was atoned for. So it is with us. We have been called to bring a message to every person on earth. (Matt. 28:18-20) We no longer resort to blood sacrifices of animals to cover our sins. Jesus is our Atonement Lamb, who washes away all of our sins.

And while habitual, unrepentant sin should never be the case in a born-again believer, we have an advocate in Jesus. We have a beautiful promise for forgiveness and cleansing in 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

May we receive our cleansing today and be willing, as Isaiah was, to be God's mouthpiece to the people He brings into our lives.

~amy danielle

Exploring Isaiah Chapter 5

2011-09-10T11:47:00.001-04:00

Okay friends, on to chapter 5.

Some interesting imagery here, a well tended vineyard given every attention by the husbandman, and yet it bears wild grapes. We are told that the vineyard symbolizes the nation of Israel in verse 7, and that the Lord was removing the protective *hedge* from them as a punishment in verse 5.

What follows is not pretty. When God removes His favor, it never is.

In verse 24 (b) we are given the reason for the harvest of wild grapes, the reason God removes the hedge: "for they have rejected the law of the Lord of hosts, and have despised the word of the Holy One of Israel."

What follows is a great big mess. Still, I am reminded of so many other passages in scripture where it is clear that God responds when His people repent. Not just when they are miserable and reaping the consequences of their evils deeds, but when they truly repent.

2 Chronicles 7:13-14 is a good example: "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command the locust to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people, if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

The concept of repentance is all throughout the Bible. I love this quote by J.I Packer, "Repentance means altering one's habits of thought, one's attitudes, outlook, policy, direction, and behavior, just as fully as is needed to get one's life out of the wrong shape and into the right one. Repentance is a spiritual revolution."

Friends, are there any areas in your heart and life where you need a spiritual revolution? May we seek Him this week and find out, and yield to His will in all things. If we don't, we are surely guaranteed a big mess.

Your thoughts? Please leave them in the comments box. :)

~amy danielle

Beautiful News

2011-09-06T14:57:00.003-04:00

Just a short post to share our most beautiful, amazing news.

Celebrate with us?!?!

~amy danielle

Exploring Isaiah: Chapter 4

2011-08-31T21:27:00.002-04:00

Chapter 4: Without having read a whole lot of commentaries of this chapter, I am going to jump out there and note that the term "God's branch" sounds a whole lot like Jesus. What do y'all think?

And although I read in the ESV version of the Bible, I looked up this chapter in the Message too (which is really more of a paraphrase than a translation, but interesting food-for-thought). I just loved the way it summed up verses 5 & 6:

"Then God will bring back the ancient pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night and mark Mount Zion and everyone in it with his glorious presence, his immense, protective presence, shade from the burning sun and shelter from the driving rain."

Sounds a whole lot like Christianity to me. :)

It also made me think about Psalms 61:4 and 91:1-
"Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! (Selah)"

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty."

Oh! To be marked with His. Glorious. Presence! Is there anything higher we can attain to than that? And in His Presence is FULLNESS of joy. (Psalm 16:11)

Please share with us your thoughts/insights/questions/etc. from chapter 4.

Links to past chapters:
Welcome and chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Exploring Isaiah: Chapter 3

2011-08-31T21:21:00.002-04:00

Chapter 3: Wow. Tough chapter, right? This chapter is all about the judgment of God on His people. Basically, the people sinned, forsook God, and as a result, the Lord let them reap the consequences of their sin.

And it sure aint pretty.

I found verses 9(b)- 11 a good summary:
"Woe to them! (the wicked) For they have brought evil on themselves. Tell the righteous that it shall be well with them, for they shall eat the fruit of their deeds. Woe to the wicked! It shall be ill with him, for what his hands have dealt out shall be done to him."

The thought that kept strinking me most while reading over this chapter was that perhaps the greatest judgment of all is for God to withdraw and allow sinful human beings to bear the consequences of their own hearts and deeds. That is a terrifying thought.

The verse says they brought evil on *themselves*. Through their sin and wickedness. God gave them over to it. (Reminds me of Romans chapter 1)

Oh friends, aren't you thankful for Jesus? Through Him, we have a way to be forgiven and redeemed from our sin...

I know I have had a tendency to read the Bible and stand back aghast at the attrocious sin of the Israelites, rather than seeing that I have certainly enthroned idols in my own heart and am just as guilty. My prayer is that God would free me {and all of us!} from every idol in our hearts and lives, that we may follow Him completely.

What did you think of chapter 3?

Links to past chapters:
Welcome and chapter 1
Chapter 2

~amy danielle

No Waste In Jesus

2011-08-30T19:37:00.004-04:00

I have struggled, at times, as a wife and mom. I suppose this crazy world we live in has fed me more than a few lies. Those lies, left unquestioned, burrowed inconspicuously into a crevice in my heart. Somehow, even in the shade, they grew.

I wish I could tell you they produced something beautiful, but they did not.

I believed that I had so much more to offer the world than being *just* a wife and mother. I had talents, gifts, abilities. Weren't they all going to waste while I changed diapers and scrubbed floors and rubbed my husband's tight shoulders?

Some days, my thoughts were not so lofty. I daydreamed about just checking into a hotel for a few days. To read, to write, to pray, to soak in a tub and light candles and listen to quiet music. To sleep.

I adored my family, but found myself feeling frustrated with my role. I was constantly exhausted. I frantically looked for something, anything, that would make me feel like my creativity was not drying up and dying.

I wrote. {Mainly in my personal journals.}

I sketched. {Mainly pictures that I have never shown anyone.}

I read. And read. And read.

I tried to get involved in Bible studies. Often, I was turned away because of my children. No childcare. I was told it was not my *season* to be in Bible study.

I cried. I wanted the fellowship so bad. I struggled to hear God. Sometimes I struggled with resentment. I felt isolated, alone.

I prayed.

Through it all, God was working something beautiful in me: Contentment. The thing is, contentment is a fragile flower, though beautiful. It is costly. It can easily be choked, and die.

The secret to contentment: Die to self. It's as simple and as terrifying as that.

Jesus gave hard words to swallow when He told His followers that in order to find your life, you must lose it. But those brilliant words are truth and life and freedom from a million ways to lose the one life He gives us.

I was thinking about all this today when I read about a fabulous opportunity to attend a writer's lodge. My first thought was that it would be so completely neat to go. What woman with a writer's heart wouldn't think that?

But then I began reading the comments. There was one in particular that hit me hard. Because I really could have written it a few years back. It sort-of-kind-of broke my heart. This precious woman is struggling with feeling like all the gifts, talents and creativity God has given her are being wasted while she mothers and loves her husband and cleans and cooks... But the truth is that her gifts are not only being refined through this daily dying, but that they are already so stunning I can hardly read anything she writes without crying.

I hope she wins the drawing. I'd rejoice to see her go. Yet more than anything, I pray for more of Him for her. Whether at retreat or in nursery or while she weaves words into pictures or pictures into words.

I don't believe God blesses us with babies and then stuffs our talents away until those babies are grown. I don't believe there are *seasons* for Bible study. Perhaps only Heaven will show how God uses the weak things of this world to confound the wise...

For now, may I gently encourage? So many of us do not realize that God never wastes our gifts. Perhaps the greatest gift of all is learning to find Him in every day washing and rocking and loving. In learning to die to self, to live to Him, and to be content in all things.

~amy danielle

Seventy-Times-Seven Forgiveness

2011-08-29T22:04:00.005-04:00

This post is mainly about forgiveness, because that it really what has been on my heart lately.

The thing is, I know what Jesus has to say about forgiveness. He encouraged his disciples to give up that whole seven-times concept and replaced it with the impossible seventy-times-seven concept. In other words, forgive over and over and over. Waaaaaay past what comes naturally, even for naturally patient and forgiving, kind hearted and lovely people.

This kind of forgiveness requires Jesus Himself in order to live it out.

And, I find, from time to time my heart can be deceptive. Maybe I have some sort of strange emotional amnesia, because lately I have honestly been praying and felt strongly impressed that I need to be sure I have forgiven everyone in my life for any offenses they may have done. Except while I am there praying, thinking about it, I really and truly feel like I have done just that. Nothing comes to mind. I feel like I am all forgived up.

Then later I realize I am completely NOT all forgived up.

For instance, after I am all done praying, I get a phone call from a family member who has decided to take vacation somewhere other than here (the place they kept promising they would come). They are oh-so-very excited about it and wanting me to share their joy. Yet I find this harder to do than I thought, because resentment and unforgiveness are twin sisters. I really didn't realize I was so upset about it, but here I am, not feeling like a priority in this person's life and thinking back on all the other ways this person has made me feel badly in the past.

Thinking back on all the ways I have really NOT truly forgiven.

I find it very sobering that Jesus said that if we forgive (maybe even to the extent we forgive) we will be forgiven. But if we do NOT forgive, God will not forgive us either.

I have read accounts of amazing forgiveness in action. People like Corrie Ten Boom, for example, who forgave one of the concentration camp guards who tortured and abused both her and her dear sister. And I am not even struggling with great forgiveness, I am struggling with little hurts, slights, irritations....

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...
{1 Corinthians 13:7}

Is my love for my family, my friends, even my acquaintances and enemies like this? {And yes, Jesus told His followers to love even enemies!}

All I can do, can meekly suggest you do, is this:
As the Lord brings these kinds of things to mind, to the surface of your heart, confess it to Him. Ask Him to help you forgive. Choose to release that vise-grip of control, of anger, of pain... He is ready to bless, to empower, to forgive.

Can we pray?

Oh Lord, help me to forgive. I have been forgiven. Of so much. Even now, I need Your forgiveness, every day. I fail. I falter. Give me Your love to extend. I recognize I can not produce it on my own. I let all this bitterness, this hurt, {and You know them all, precious Jesus} go, in your name. Empower me to this amazing seventy-times-seven kind of forgiving. Heal the wounds in my heart...
In the matchless name of JESUS.

~amy danielle

About Overweights

2011-08-25T20:20:00.002-04:00

It just occurred to me that I have never explained the reason for the name of my blog: Overweights of Joy. So I'll take a minute and explain.

Amy Carmichael, Irish-born missionary to India, is my absolute favorite author. I have every single book she wrote that is still in print and a great many that are out-of-print, as I have been collecting them for many years now.

Her first book about missionary work in India, Things As They Are, was written in 1901 and was not received very well because she was so very honest about the ugliness she encountered in Hinduism and in the caste system. Many did not want such a candid report, they wanted to hear good news and hear about increasing numbers of converts. But Amy's conscience would not allow her to be dishonest. She wrote about things just as they were (hence the title).

Her second book, however, was written to show the good side, to demonstrate that while evil was a very present reality in India (and indeed, the world) God was still at work. There were overweights of joy in the work.

I suppose, for me, that kind of sums up my philosophy on life. While there is ugly that can not (and should not) be ignored in this world, there is still joy for the journey. God is always in the every day. In the most seemingly bleak moments, God bursts forth.

I try to address real, honest issues that I battle out in my heart. And yet I recognize the ever present God who brings beauty from ashes, strength from fear, gladness from mourning....

Overweights Of Joy from Things As They Are.

In JESUS,

~amy danielle

Exploring Isaiah: Chapter 2

2011-08-25T16:06:00.002-04:00

For those of you following along with our Exploring Isaiah group, here's the link for the first post on chapter one. And here (below) is chapter 2:

This chapter begins by Isaiah saying, "It shall come to pass in the latter days"... Any thoughts on this? As I understand it {and correct me if I'm wrong} this is referring to the New Jerusalem, the Kingdom God establishes on earth after the second coming of Christ.

I love verse 4. LOVE it. "He shall judge between the nations, and shall decide disputes for many peoples; and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation SHALL NOT lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war anymore." (emphasis mine)

Can you imagine it? A time is coming when there will be real, true, tangible peace! And we won't be subject to corrupt governments or shady politics, because GOD HIMSELF will rule His people!

If you get a minute, compare Isaiah 2:4 with Micah 4:1-3 and Joel 3:10. Neat, right? ;)

Any other thoughts on chapter 2??

~amy danielle

Exploring Isaiah: The first post in which I invite you to come along and study God's amazing Word with me

2011-08-24T20:36:00.004-04:00

My beautiful, amazing friend Jade and I recently started up a group on facebook called Exploring Isaiah, in which we are reading through the book of Isaiah (in the Bible) and discussing it as a group. I am super excited about it because there are some really neat women participating and I am sure I will learn a lot...

Anyway, I thought I would like to share here, in this place, as well. There are some of you who do not have a facebook page, and I want to be sure to include everyone who is interested. Please jump in. We are reading 2 (short!) chapters a week, in order to make this do-able for everyone. (Read: me){smile and blush}

I'll be looking for your thoughts/insights/prayers/etc. in the comments box. If you have questions, I will do my best to help, and ask those wiser than myself when it's beyond me. (There is some real wisdom in this group! Yay!)I just know YOU will teach me so much, too....(And please feel personally encouraged to share this and invite others! The more the merrier!)

So, without further ado, Isaiah chapter 1. (I'll post on chapter 2 later this week.)

Okay friends, I'm going to jump right in. I have mixed feelings on commentaries, but since we're starting at the beginning (and in order to provide a little background) I'll share a little background info I dug up.

First, the man (Isaiah) himself:
According to Chuck Swindoll, Isaiah's "eloquent literary style, distinguished Jewish upbringing, and tireless declaration of God's word have earned him the titles 'Prince of Prophets' and 'Saint Paul of the Old Testament.'" So, if you are picturing a prophet wearing camel hair and munching grasshoppers, that's not the case here friends.

I've read that Isaiah: ~was born into an aristocratic family
~had an outstanding education
~married a prophetess & had at least 2 sons
~had a ministry that spanned almost 60 years
~was martyred by being sawn in half (also see Heb. 11:37)
~was contemporary with the prophets Micah and Hosea

Any thoughts on tradition/commentaries on Isaiah's background? (Please note: the Bible itself does not tell us those things. I add them here solely for background purposes.)

Next, listen to this neat factoid I found:

The book of Isaiah presents a fascinating microcosm of the Bible itself. The entire Bible is made up of 66 books- the first 39 make up the Old Testament {which presents the law as God's holy requirement and God's judgement on His people for their inability to fulfill the law}.

The next 29 book in the Bible comprise the New Testament {which presents a new covenant, through which God offers salvation for sin as JESUS fulfills the law's requirements and offers Himself as the spotless lamb of God}.

Stay with me here:

In the same way, Isaiah divides neatly into 2 sections: 1-39 deals with judgement for sins and 40-66 deals with the comfort of salvation.

Like other Old Testament (OT) prophets, Isaiah's messages focus on a variety of time periods. {This gives authenticity to the later claims of Christ- being fulfilled prophecies from hundreds of years ago!} In a nutshell, Isaiah focuses on:
~the present (threatening captivities by Assyria and Babylon)
~the future (restoration of the nation after captivity)
~the distant future (first and second comings of the Messiah)

Now, to the text itself! (You were wondering if I'd ever get there, right? *wink) I'll make it quick. {Thanks for sticking with me!}

I'm just going to touch at what jumped out at me. Jump in wherever you want. (I'm super excited to hear YOUR thoughts and insights.)

Chapter 1:
verses 11-15 seems to hit a common theme in scripture. God does not approve of religious hypocrisy. Here was a people that was incredibly religious, but also incredibly wicked.

God has defined what true religion is (Isaiah 1:16-17) (James 1:27) and the nation of Israel was far from it. God wants our lives to line up with our lips!

The Message translates one of the verses like this: "I'm sick of your religion, religion, religion, while you go right on sinning." Yikes.

I'd also like to hit on verse 22: "Your silver has become dross, your best wine mixed with water." Seems to me that God is saying this bunch of God-dropouts (as The Message calls them) have allowed their lives to become polluted and diluted.

Vs. 25: "I will turn my hand against you and will smelt away your dross as with lye and remove all your alloy." Lye is used to make soap and alloy is a substance sometimes found in better metals that needs to be refined out in order for it to be of any value. In other words, God needs to cleanse and refine His people. Did you see verses 18 & 19? God is willing and able to take our scarlet-sin-selves and make us white as snow. {How precious is this promise of forgiveness??}

Last verse that jumped out at me from chapter 1: vs 30 "For you shall be like an oak whose leaf withers, and like a garden without water." This verse reminded me of Psalm 1:3, which is a great contrast here, illustrating just the opposite to those who shun evil and meditate (day and night!) on the law of the Lord: "He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all he does, he prospers."

A great chapter, no? What did y'all find/think about this chapter? Please share.

In Jesus,
amy danielle

{Want to join us over at facebook? We'd love to have you! Scroll down to the bottom of my page here (all the way down!) click on my facebook badge, then sent me a friend request, mentioning Exploring Isaiah (so I know it isn't spam). Hope to hear from you there (or here!)}

When Demons Whisper

2011-08-23T15:16:00.007-04:00

"You'll never be happy
never taste joy"
and job, hobbies, relationships, possessions
will only fail to satisfy...

Hunger finds a home
in soul which must feed on more
than just bread alone
But from the words of His mouth

Starving, famished
the malnourished spirit
desperately searches,
listens...

And vulnerable, soulish-ears
hear voices
full of promises, false hopes
like the sirens of old,
their evil melodies
lead toward certain death

Yet here on the brink,
staring death in the face,
numb and unfazed and emotionless,
this gripping gaze possesses

And the only fear,
for the moment,
is to be shaken free
from this seemingly beautiful temptation;
to awaken, to feel loss, despair, shame

Perhaps sweet little lies are more appealing than truth?

The Two-Edged Sword
which divides bone from marrow
cuts the tie
and waits...

The One who disciplines
yearns to love again,
for He is Love
To bring healing, wholeness

To restore what the locusts have destroyed

To infuse hope, true hope
To bring beauty from the ash heap

Incline your ears,
your heart,
to His words
which, like balm

after the stinging

will soothe, protect, heal...

A beautiful disaster
this repentance life
this restoration life

The paradoxical truth
that in brokenness
we are made whole

In weakness, strong

In discouragement, hopeful

In sin, forgiven

By Grace Alone

{Linking up with beautiful Emily and the Imperfect Prose Community... join us?}

The First Couple Days

2011-08-18T16:25:00.003-04:00

Hi friends.

In case you're new here, I am writing about the amazing healing that took place in my life a couple weeks ago. {God is so good!} If you missed the first posts, please check out these links:

Post #1: My Faith Journey: An Introduction

Post #2: Update: One Week Post Healing

Post #3: How My Healing Happened

All caught up? Great. Now I can go on to the first day AFTER I was healed. I am going to try to describe this for you the best I can, being completely honest....

I woke up early with a MASSIVE headache. My head was throbbing and I was incredibly nauseated. I did not feel very well, but what I felt was much more like a hangover than arthritis pain. I had no joint pain or swelling {I WAS HEALED!} but it became pretty clear that going cold turkey off of all my medications was causing my body to seriously detox.

I got up, thanked the Lord for healing me, and got into the shower. I stood under the hot water and began singing and praising the Lord. I did not doubt I had been healed. I only wondered how long I was going to be going through withdrawals from the drugs, realizing that it could be days or even weeks, based on the amount of time I had taken them and the potency of several of the medications. Still, I decided to just go ahead and praise God, knowing this was temporary and trusting He had done a great work in my life.

I have to admit, my head throbbed and I felt that vertigo, nauseated feeling most of the day.

I called Laurette. I asked her what she thought I should do, since I didn't want to go back on any of the medications, but at the same time I didn't want to feel so sick either. I wanted to know what would be the best way to walk in faith through this process. She explained to me these medications would not heal me, or prevent me from being healed. She said that I should pray and ask God for wisdom, but suggested that taking medication to relieve my symptoms (such as my headache and nausea) could be done in faith.

After I got off of the phone, I prayed. Then I took something for my headache and nausea. I began to feel better and was able to get up, move to the couch, and spend the evening visiting with my family.

{May I just say something here, with as much gentleness and love as I can? We are not cookie-cutter people. God works with all of us a little bit differently. I don't know that there is a *right* or *wrong* way to walk in faith with the Lord. I know some people who would not have taken the medication. I know others who have been healed, but have weaned off of their medications slowly. I hope that my testimony does not cause anyone to stumble, but I *do* want to share what happened, as honestly as possible. I think it is *so* important that we seek the Lord as to His will in all things, not trying to do things on our own or even emulate another believer's life. He gently leads and promises to give wisdom to all who ask Him for it....}

I went to bed without a headache, without nausea, and without arthritis (or any of the other things I suffered with).

I woke up the next day with the strangest sensation I had ever experienced. I will try to describe it, but it is really beyond words. I felt like I was on fire inside my body.

I was incredibly hot, like there was a fire burning inside of me. I was drinking lots of water, broth... and it felt like it was literally evaporating. I was not feverish, I was not even sweating. There was no outward sign I was as hot as I was. But I felt so hot, I was putting ice packs on my body.

I prayed and asked the Lord what was going on, and he brought something back to my mind.

My parents had been praying with their church for me to be healed for weeks. One night, at their prayer meeting, they prayed corporately for me, and afterward a man approached my step-dad. He told him that while they were praying for me, he was given a vision. In his vision, there was an angel holding fire in his cupped hands. The angel began to blow the fire through my body, burning the sickness up. My step-dad came home and told me about it that night, but I didn't know what to make of it. {It *does* sound a little odd, I know.}

I prayed and asked God what I should think about it, and really didn't hear anything right away. So I kind of forgot about it.

But as I sat there, the second day after I was healed, praying, the Lord brought this back to my mind. I believe, {I know it sounds crazy!} but I believe this is what I was experiencing.

I can say now, in hindsight, that I think not only illness was burned up, but all my withdrawal symptoms as well. I experienced this *burning* sensation most of the day, by evening it went away. I have not had to take any drugs since, and all my detox/withdrawal symptoms were gone from that day forward! Praise the Lord!!

I can imagine there are some of you reading this who are raising your eyebrows right now. I realize how this sounds. But it is true.

I find it fascinating that Jesus healed in so many ways. A quick perusal of the gospels shows that Jesus was not limited to a method. And while Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever, He treats us all as individuals. I love this about Him.

For everything that God does, there is a ripple effect....

My children will never doubt that God still performs miracles. They see one every day in their mama.

To Him be all the glory.

~amy danielle

{Are you needing a miracle, friends? Please feel personally invited to leave your prayer requests in the comments box....

More to come: posts on walking out my faith- what this looks like in my life ~and~ scripture promises I am believing and that ignited faith in my heart. Please check back!}

How My Healing Happened

2011-08-17T11:06:00.003-04:00

I have been giving a lot of thought as to how I should share the details, the experience, of the day God reached down, touched my body and healed me. But the truth is, nothing profound has come to my mind, and I feel just as inadequate as ever in my ability to communicate this well. I struggle for the right words and find there might not be any....

Yet, I have decided that perhaps I should just jump in, trusting that where I reach the end of myself, God will take over.

So, without further ado, I take you to the evening of August 2nd, 2011.

This was one of the toughest nights of my life. I had come home from an appointment with my rheumatologist with a really bad report. My blood work revealed signs of liver and kidney distress, which was most likely caused by all the potent medications I was on. They were just too much for me.

I had some internal bleeding, and I was in a full blown arthritis flare.

(For those of you unfamiliar to rheumatoid arthritis, my husband has a good analogy to share here. Many people unwittingly lump all forms of arthritis together, including osteoarthritis, which is basically arthritis caused by wear and tear, and experienced in varying degrees by many people as they age. Rheumatoid arthritis is caused by swelling in the synovial fluid lining the joints, and can affect the joints as well as the internal organs, and the blood vessels around the heart. If arthritis is a kitten, says my husband, then rheumatoid arthritis is a tiger.)

I had multiple swollen joints ranging from my shoulders to my hands and wrists, my knees and feet, jaw and spine. I was running a low grade fever. I felt sore and tired and miserable everywhere, like a really bad flu times one hundred. I could not perform basic tasks, like squeezing a shampoo bottle or flushing the toilet by pushing down on the handle. Getting myself out of bed proved challenging, and I generally needed help to do it. I needed help for lots of things, like getting dressed and cutting my food and showering.

My doctor took one look at my joints and told me I would need to go back on prednisone. This was a huge blow since I had struggled mightily to get off of it after having been on it for seven months. He insisted it was necessary because of the massive swelling. Then he gave me multiple brochures of information on a class of medications called biologics, which he said I now needed to take.

Friends, have you ever seen one of those commercials that advertise new medications? The ones where they make it look like the drug gave the person their health back, but then they end the commercial with a HUGE disclaimer that basically tells you the drug is capable of giving you any number of horrible side effects and possibly even death? Well, that is more or less what was in the stack of literature my doctor presented to me. A lot of risk in hopes I might get a little better.

He asked me to take it home, read it, do some research online if I wanted to (my doctor knows I am a research fanatic and unlikely to do anything without checking things out myself) and come back in about two weeks with a decision about which medication I felt most comfortable taking.

I should also mention that he had avoided these medications up to this point for three main reasons:

1) The huge cost of the drugs. (and the insurance company's resistance to paying for them unless entirely warranted)

2) The potential for side effects.

3) The fact that, up to this point, I was not severe enough to need them.

Obviously, now, he felt the benefits outweighed the risks. I was rapidly deteriorating and he was scrambling to find something, anything, that would suppress my disease(s).

(I would also like to mention here that, according to my doctor and all the medical literature I have studied, rheumatoid arthritis is considered an autoimmune disease, and incurable. The best these drugs can offer is relief from symptoms. They come at a cost, though, because they work by suppressing the immune system. This may reduce pain and swelling, may prevent joint damage, but can often leave you wide open and very susceptible to infection. A common cold or flu can send you to the hospital, or even kill you.)

I was sitting in my bed, battling with feelings of depression and despair, and for me, this was so completely out of my personality. I do not generally struggle with these kinds of feelings, even when things are bad. I tend to look for the positive side, focus on my blessings and rest in the precious Peace-that-passes-all-understanding that Jesus gives me. When I am stressed, I pray. I believe He cares about me, and I trust Him.

But I admit, on that night, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I did not like the report I got, and I liked even less the options presented to me.

I was going through my e-mail inbox, when I came across a newsletter by Laurette Willis, founder of Praise Moves. Praise moves is a Christian alternative to new-age yoga, and I have two of Laurette's amazing dvds, in which she turns a workout into worship. I love them. Anyway, I opened up the newsletter, scanned over it, and as I did, a thought came into my mind. I decided to hit the reply button and tell her a little bit about what was going on in my life, to ask for prayer...

I had no idea that she would reply to it within six minutes. I had no idea she would offer to talk with me over the phone, to pray with me and walk with me through so many of the scriptures in the Bible that pertained to my situation.

When she called me the next morning, we talked for over an hour, and during that hour, a major shift took root in my thinking. I began that phone call believing God COULD heal me. At the end of that phone call, I believed God WOULD heal me. Faith was activated in my heart.

We prayed that God would heal me. Laurette prayed over every single symptom I had, in Jesus' name. And as she prayed, I knew something was happening. I can't even describe how I knew, I just KNEW. I began praising God, thanking Him for what He had done, thanking Him for loving me, for hearing me and answering my prayer, for being a God who wants to give good gifts to His children.

After we ended our phone call, I got up. My pain was gone. My swelling, gone. My circulation issues, much improved. I knew something amazing had just happened.

I walked down to Trever's workplace. (And can I just say? THAT in itself was amazing! I had not walked more than a few steps at a time in almost nine months, with very few exceptions.) The shop was slow, so Trever was able to sit with me for a few minutes while I described the phone call, told him about the prayer, explained what I believed had happened. I was concerned he would be skeptical, that he would not believe me.

I needn't have worried about that. My husband began to tear up. I asked him why he was crying, and he told me he knew God had healed me. He said I was visibly different already. A pink, healthy flush had replaced my pale, sallow skin. I was moving without pain. I was even hitting my hand on the table while I was talking, because I was so excited, and my hands were not red or swollen in response like they normally would have been. He told me, with tears in his eyes, that it was so good to have his wife back. And he praised God as well.

When I came back home, my mother called. She could tell immediately something had changed, because my voice was completely different. When I told her what had happened, she was ecstatic. She made me tell my step-dad too, right away, knowing how excited he would be. Their whole church had been praying for me, so they shared it with their pastor at that night's prayer meeting. My sister met them there, and when she heard the pastor's announcement of good news, she quietly excused herself and called me to get details.

She wept as she listened to me. Her words: "Amy, you just sound SO GOOD."

One of my dearest and closest friends called me that evening, and also immediately recognized a dramatic change in my voice. As I shared with her, she began to cry as well. She admitted to feeling like Thomas, wishing she could SEE me with her own eyes, to be able to tangibly verify what I was claiming had happened. It seemed too good to be true.

I ended that night by looking at all those bottles of prescription medications I was on, and a profound thought outweighed all the other thoughts in my mind:

Those medications are for people who are very sick, and I am not sick anymore.

I did not take my medications that night. Or the next. Or the next. Yes, that's right, I went cold turkey off of all the many {very addictive} medications I was on.

I felt joy-high. I was excited and at complete peace all at once. I was also blessed with a holy indifference to the opinions of others. I didn't care if others thought I was crazy. I just knew it was real and that was all that mattered.

God had healed me.

God is so good, friends.

My husband has his wife back. My kids have their mama back.

And I can not say enough how thankful I am to serve a God who cares, who loves, who carried me through it all {even in the hardest times} and a God who heals, who wants to give good gifts to His children....

He is worthy of all our praise, friends.

~amy danielle

{This post got long, quick, and I just didn't know of a way to break it up. If you have stuck with me this far, and are reading this, thank you, kind friends. It is my intention to follow up this post with the details of what happened to me in the days that followed, as well as sharing all the beautiful scriptures I claimed and believed and prayed. And can I please invite you now, if you have any specific questions, to ask them below? I will do my best to answer them for you all in my future posts on this subject. Blessings and peace and hope be with each of you in the matchless name of Jesus.}

Update {One Week Post Healing!}

2011-08-10T15:42:00.005-04:00

Well friends, I wanted to give you a short update. Today is the one week mark, post healing. And I am very happy to announce that I am feeling better than I have in months. I am getting out, running errands, cooking meals, spending more time with my family and a whole lot less time in bed!

But the really exciting news is that I AM COMPLETELY OFF ALL MY MEDICATIONS!!!!!!

I was taking over ten medications on a daily basis and now I am DRUG FREE!!!!

Oh friends, is there anything our God can not do??

Trever is getting ready to graduate from college (Praise the Lord!) and will be finished with his final class before this weekend is over, so we are planning a weekend poolside, swimming and splashing and possibly even pulling out the Slip 'n Slide and letting the kids run out all that crazy-kid energy. Hopefully we will have lots of fun pictures to share when it's all said and done....

Thanks for the patience as I get the posts ready- the posts I want to share about my healing. They are coming! I have got to learn how to manage my time better now that I can do so much more! (It's a great problem to have, friends.)

And I am hoping to find time before this weekend is upon us to start posting. Please check back?

Before I go...

Can I just ask one more thing of you? Will you please be in prayer for my dear, sweet friends who are sick? My heart is light and heavy all at once when I think of them. In sharing my joy, I don't want any of my words to trample over where they are walking out their beautiful faith right now. (And if it is you, reading this, please know I am praying for you still. Often. I love you and thank God for you and you are on my heart.)

From my tender heart to yours,
~amy danielle

Some Recommended Reading

2011-08-08T20:48:00.003-04:00

Focusing on some scripture reading and some writing in my personal journal, and revving up for all the neat things I want to share here... {Please pray?}

And thinking about some of the amazing things God has done, the things God has promised me, the prayers He has answered and is and answering...

So it is with my heart-splitting-open, joy to overflowing, hope-infused and confident-in-His-promises heart that I share the following amazing posts by my Jesus-sisters that I have read over the last few days.

They have blessed and encouraged me and confirmed things in my heart that God has been whispering.

If you have the time to read these beautiful posts, I know you will be blessed too.

Jeanne's post: {Diving In}

Ann's post: {Prayer For A Daughter}

Jodi's post: {Aliens Can't Read Your Mind- God Can}

Be blessed, friends!

~amy danielle

Heart Overflowing: A personal thank-you to you from me

2011-08-07T13:29:00.005-04:00

I am planning to spend today with my family, and praising the Lord for His goodness. But I had it on my heart to come here first, to thank you all for your overwhelming love and support.

I can not begin to tell you how encouraging it was to me every time I received an email, a text, a phone call, a facebook message... telling me I was loved, thought of, prayed for....

Friends, I am so grateful we have a God who answers prayer. And I am also incredibly grateful to be blessed with so many friends and family members who pray.

I have no words with which to communicate the profound impact you all had on me during my lowest points. And I feel my healing is, in a way, your victory too.

I have future posts simmering in my mind, and truthfully I am asking God to make them understandable and coherent, praying over them, because when I think about telling you details about being healed, how God did it, what He is still doing... I get so excited that I feel I might convey things a bit unintelligibly. The words all blur into one another in a way that might resemble an excited child speaking waaaaay too quickly. It's JOY. {Pray for me? I want these posts to bless... Many thanks.}

In fact, when I was describing the physical and emotional feelings I experienced right after He touched me, I told my husband it was very like being drunk or high, except without the stupid. {smile} It was euphoric and amazing {and still is} and it made me understand for the first time what the Bible means when it talks about new wine....

I look forward to sharing with you all.

You have all been a blessing to me. For every encouraging word, every prayer, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

~amy danielle

{I wanted to also thank all of you kind friends who sent me words of comfort, friendship, understanding and love concerning my miscarriage. I confess, that was one of the hardest things of all for me to share here. I alluded to it last year in {this post}, but only in hindsight would anyone truly understand the message of my heart there. To bring something that makes me feel so vulnerable out into the open like this, it has been challenging...

Your overwhelming support has left me humbled and blessed. Thank you again. You are amazing gifts from an amazing God. xo}

My Faith Journey: An Introduction

2011-08-06T14:44:00.005-04:00

When I first started writing here, in this place, I wanted it to be a place I could share my heart and write about things that were important to me...

And yet, I've found, I often shrink back from sharing the thoughts that are truly on my heart, especially when I am in a place of heart-heaviness or when I am feeling particularly discouraged or weary or even truly confused about what God is doing in my life.

I want my life to be a trophy for Jesus. I don't want anything I say or do or write to discourage some searching soul who might find their way here, to this place. I don't want to be a voice that breaks a bruised reed... I want this to be a holy place, a place of honesty and faith.

So, I confess, at times I have taken long breaks for lack of words to say. I have struggled so much in this past year, physically, spiritually, emotionally... I have fought for words and fallen short over and over. There were seasons when I felt I could not share my experiences for fear they would be a burden to my readers. Many times, this resulted in me staring at a blank page, and finally closing my laptop without posting anything. I reasoned that it would be better to lose readers because my posts were infrequent rather than to use this place to publicly struggle and cry and hurt, to doubt and fear and fight a very ugly fight that threatened to take my life as I have always known it...

Through everything, God has held me gently in His hand. He has been good to me. On my worst days, physically or emotionally, He was always so very close. I shared about this over the last year from time to time... He is good no matter what the situation looks like. I wanted to share this powerful truth, even from a broken place, because on many days it was all I had to hold on to, and it was enough. Jesus is always enough.

Throughout the last year of my life, my physical health rapidly deteriorated. It seemed to come out of no where, and each visit to the doctor revealed more numerous and more serious health conditions. The diagnoses I received over the past nine months became increasingly devastating as a wife, a mother of eight precious children, as a woman in her early thirties... My life was slipping away, each day bringing with it more weakness, more disease.

Rheumatoid arthritis, mixed connective tissue disorder, fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, Raynaud's disease, liver and kidney distress, breast tumors, internal bleeding, tendonitis, the possibility of full blown lupus and/or scleroderma. These are some of the conditions that began to exponentially reduce my ability to function.

I was put on chemotherapy drugs, given steroidal medications for over seven months in an attempt to reduce the massive internal and external swelling. My body did not respond well to some of the medications and that brought more side effects. Some of the medications were so powerful that they caused my liver and kidneys to go into distress. I had to take massive doses of narcotic pain medications just to get out of bed.

At times I needed assistance from my husband to do the most basic of tasks: cutting my food, washing my hair in the shower, getting dressed. The things that most people take for granted became huge obstacles for me. My wrists hurt so badly I could not squeeze a shampoo bottle hard enough to get shampoo out of it.

In December, I miscarried a precious baby. I was fourteen weeks pregnant and we were waiting to share the news with our families. Instead, I kept the sorrow bottled up, a secret. I could not bear to share my pain with most of our closest friends and family.

I wept as I made the decision to wean my baby early, the baby who might have been my last, baby Owen, in order to take medications that would be unsafe for a nursing baby.

And yet, for all the doctor visits, the specialists, the medications and blood work and dietary changes, I was growing progressively worse.

I wondered why it was happening, trusting God would somehow glorify Himself through it all. I fought to keep a good attitude. I warred with my feelings to trust that God loved me, even though all of this was happening.

In my darkest moments, I considered how much of a burden I was to my family, who I loved more than my own life. I thought about how much better off they would be without me. I considered embracing death in order to free them from my bondage...

There is so much I have not told you, friends. Things we did not share with our closest friends or family members.

I am ready to talk about my journey now.

Because, while it is far from over, I am in such a different place...

On August 3rd, 2011, God healed me.

It sounds crazy, I know. It sounds like some sort of weird, fanatical, lunacy. I can't defend what it looks like. I can just tell you it's true. And it is beautiful....

I read a quote today that resonated deep, by Oswald Chambers, and I'd like to share it here:

"We are not here to prove that God answers prayer, but to be living trophies of God's grace."

Friends, God answers prayer. He answered mine. He answered the prayers of my husband and children and friends and family. He loves us. He loves me. He loves you.

It is one thing to say it and another entirely to experience it. And, for me, that has made all the difference.

While I tend to be an extremely logical, cerebral type of personality, there are just some things in life you do not understand simply by reason. Christianity is not a theology, a creed, some sort of belief you give mental assent to. It is, simply, knowing Jesus. Knowing Him, living inside you.

All those verses I've read all my life, I believed they were true. But now, they are ALIVE, like wild-fire, ABLAZE in my heart and spirit.

With man, this was impossible, but with God, all things are possible.

I hope to share, in the next days and weeks, more about my faith-journey. Really, that's what all of this has been.

For now, may I leave you with this thought, that has proved wonderfully true in my life...

Faith:
sees the invisible
believes the incredible
receives the impossible

My heartfelt thanks goes out to all who have prayed for me, encouraged me, and helped me along the way...

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." {Hebrews 11:1}

It's All About The Heart

2011-08-03T23:22:00.003-04:00

I found this gem recently and wanted to share it. It is based in Luke 18:9-14, the passage about the self-righteous Pharisee and the broken, repentant tax collector.

Before I share, a disclaimer:

Many of the things the first lady does are GOOD things. Please don't feel I am attacking any of those things, per se. It is all about our heart attitude before God. I hope this causes you to stop and ponder like it did me...

Oh Gracious Heavenly Father,

I want to thank you that you have made me different than the average mother. I am so glad that I homeschool my 8 children with another one on the way. We don't use birth control. I am glad that I made the decision to breastfeed them all for an extended period of time and that we eat only homemade organic food; the food that You intended us all to eat. God, I also only use natural fabrics in the clothing that I sew for my entire family. And, God, I want you to know that I am a responsible mother and don't use a microwave and refuse to use any plastics that leak harmful chemical in our food. I am glad you made me because I am such a great help to my church; teaching the little ones, looking after the meal program and taking on the Christmas program for the past 6 years. God, I know you'll bless the pet shelter and nursing home down the street because of our involvement there every Tuesday and Thursday from 9:30 to noon.. Yes, you have made me a wonderful mother indeed, which I (and my community) will be eternally grateful. Amen.

Hi God,

It's me again and I just don't know what to say. The two jobs are running me ragged and we've made the decision to send our little one to full time day care and our older one is going to public school. God, please bless our mac'n'cheese because I sure don't know if there is any nutritional value in there at all. I need your help. I can't even keep my house clean never mind volunteering anywhere! We've missed the last few Sundays at church and I've missed the fellowship but most of all I've missed time to reflect on you. I'm so sorry I haven't even read my Bible the last couple of days, it seem like my life is just running away with itself. But God, I want you know that I love you, and I think of you all the time. I want to do life right, but I need your help. I've come to the realization again that I just can't do this life without you. I love you Lord, help me. Amen

Friends, where ever you are today, Jesus loves you. Remember that man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees straight through to our hearts! And that's what really matters anyway....

If you need prayer, someone to talk to, or just a friend, please feel personally invited to write me here or at my email address.

With Love in the matchless name of JESUS,
~amy

Goals

2011-07-24T01:29:00.004-04:00

If you are like me, you grew up being taught that we should organize our lives by determining both short term and long term goals. And while I find nothing wrong with this practice whatsoever, I sat in bed tonight realizing that every single goal I could think of that was important to me could not be placed in one list and not the other. They all really had to fit into both lists.

I am sure there are many more things I could think of if it were not such a late hour and my body were not demanding sleep, but I will share the first few that came to my mind, things that I both want to implement as immediately as possible but also things I want to continue to work towards, very likely, for the rest of my life....

I want to learn to trust God, not based on outward circumstances, but based on His character and my relationship with Him, knowing He loves me.

I want to live more simply, like Jesus did, and teach my precious children to do the same. I want to understand grace more and more and more.

I want my heart to be broken with the things that break God's heart. I want Him to increase compassion and love and mercy in my heart, even if it hurts sometimes to feel in that kind of way.

I want to make my one life count. I want to find more and more practical ways to reach out to others, relieve their pain, their need, their hurt, in Jesus name.

I want to be a woman who prays, really prays. I want to be more grateful, to complain less, to celebrate the gift of NOW!

I want to seek peace and pursue it. As much as is possible in me, I want to live at peace with all, to be a peacemaker and child of God.

Finally, to quote my dear friend and Jesus-sister Ann Voskamp,

"I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily, in all the days before I die, the moments before I sleep. Isn't beauty what we yearn to burn with before we die? What else so ignites, hot flame? Beauty is all that is glory and God is Beauty embodied, glory manifested. This is what I crave: I hunger for beauty."

Oh precious Jesus, beyond the sacred page, the songs and hymns, the fellowship- it is You I seek. Transform me with your grace, with your love, with You Yourself. ~Amen

Plucking Petals

2011-07-21T22:04:00.003-04:00

Writing, for me, is a medium by which I best express my thoughts. It is with pen in hand, or typing on a keyboard, that my heart pours forth most fluently. I consider my ability to write a talent that God has given me, not to be squandered or wasted.

Imagine my dismay when, as of late, I have been literally unable, physically, to write. Holding a pen, or typing, causes my hands to be inflamed, red, painful. Some days, it is very difficult to pick up my sweet babies, to open my mail, to unscrew a jelly jar....

And some days, like today, I have some relief, and it is easier.

As I lay in my bed last night, hurting, frustrated and wishing I could write out my thoughts, my mind wandered back to something that had struck me before, in a book I had read by Jeanne Guyon. She described how she had once had a beautiful face, that she was known for her physical loveliness. Yet, she was vain, and spiritually shallow. She believed God blessed her when he allowed her to become sick with an illness that completely marred her lovely face. She described how through the loss of her physical beauty, she found true beauty in her inner walk with Jesus.

And I began to think about how this might apply to me.

I do not think that this particular symptom is going to last forever. I believe I am going to get better, and be able to use my hands freely. But I also believe God is teaching me a lesson of simple dependence on Him. When I can not write, when I can do nothing, I can go to Him. I can pray. I can still pour out my heart. I can choose to make simple sacrifices for Him, and to depend on His grace for my every need.

And I do.

Lately, I have been asking God that when I pray, that I am made truly aware that I am, in reality, in His throne room. That I am assured in my heart that He hears me. That I remember how Jesus always had compassion for all kinds of suffering. And that I know He loves me.

As I glance a random flower blowing in the hot breeze, I play the game in my mind of plucking petals...

He loves me.

He loves me.

He loves me.

{a repost from a year ago, and God is still so blessedly close... all the petals still say those same beautiful words... He loves us. Truly.}

True Beauty is a Person

2011-07-18T13:02:00.002-04:00

"Every time you feel in God's creatures something pleasing and attractive, do not let your attention be arrested by them alone, but, passing them by, transfer your thought to God and say: O my God, if they creations are so full of beauty, delight and joy, how infinitely more full of beauty, delight and joy art thou thyself, creator of all!"

~Nicodemus of the Holy Mountain

Soul Encourager

2011-07-13T10:25:00.000-04:00

Thinking long about making my family thirstier for Christ, being salt and light, making others crave the Living Water. I need to drink deep myself.

I lay awake late into the night, mind and heart aching and straining to find answers, help, peace, both for myself and for others. Sometimes I find myself fighting a downward spiral into despair...

When will I ever change? How can I live life without wasting the precious moments, days, years I am given?

I see oldest son, now thirteen, whose shoes are bigger than mine and who is almost as tall. How long will he sleep under my roof, eat my meals, hear my words?

I see littlest son, now close to two years old. Wasn't it only yesterday I writhed in pain as he came forth into autumn coolness? I blinked, and now it is hot summer and he is walking and talking and smiling and getting his signature Smith curls. And what a joy he is to our family....

I get so caught up in the tyranny of the urgent. I fail to see the picture, big and long and stretched out to eternity. These souls, mine and theirs, must find strength to reach out, grasping hold of the One who holds us in His hands.

I get weary of reaching. I fall into bed bone tired and the achiness is deeper than skin. The heart throbs for God, the soul cries for the peace that passes understanding.

The psalmist speaks to his own soul- why so downcast? Hope in God. And I follow his example and become my own soul-encourager. Why so downcast, oh my soul?? Put your hope in God. I will be filled as I pour out. The holy paradox that is the recipe for contentment.

In the hectic, noise-filled chaos, I must learn to lift my soul to Him, and to keep a quiet heart.

Father, I lift up to you my despair.

And receive hope.

I lift up my anger.

And receive self-control.

I lift up restlessness, frustration, discouragement.

And receive peace, joy, love.

My cup, emptied of self, flows over.

{A gently edited post from last year. My hope is it finds its way to some soul who needs encouragement. Hope in God, friends. His grace is always enough.}

Life Song

2011-07-12T17:00:00.003-04:00

There is really no lack of things for me to do and so I really should never, ever be bored. I have a stack of books I want to read and a lot of writing I want to do, knitting projects and embroidery, a chair and a book shelf I'd like to paint, not to mention all the things I can be doing in my home and with my children...

But sometimes I find I am just too tired. Illness will do that to you from time to time.

Lately, I have set a lot of these things to the side and just spent time with God, and with the people I love.

I have a few blog posts simmering around in my mind, things I'd like to share, but I just don't feel the emotional energy to write it all out at the moment. I feel physically weary, but spiritually strong and renewed.

Through everything, Jesus has always been so close.

And He makes everything beautiful.

I found a post last week that spoke to my spirit, that encouraged me greatly:

"Nothing shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every trial is a message from God and intended to do us good in the end. Trials make us think, wean us from the world, send us to the Bible, drive us to our knees. Health is a good thing. But sickness is better, if it leads us to God. Prosperity is a great mercy. But adversity is a greater one, if it brings us to Christ." ~ Ryle

I want my life to be about Him, about Jesus, and not about my illness. He is composing a beautiful song out of my life, and I am trusting Him even with the minor notes that sound a little strange at first...

"Suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart, and mourning and dancing are but one long movement in His symphony of beauty. Can I believe the gospel, that God is surely conforming, slowly transforming, patiently transfiguring, all the notes of my life into the song of His Son?" ~ Voskamp

Yes, I believe. Help my unbelief, precious Jesus.

Parenting

2011-07-06T12:14:00.007-04:00

Over the past several years, I have read a lot of parenting books. Some of them were decent, some of them were really fairly useless.

All of them fall short.

I remember one book specifically, that I read when I had only my first three children. It guaranteed that if you followed their directions, were 100% consistent, you would have completely obedient children. And so I tried very hard for a good long while to do just that.

But I have done a bit of changing in my mothering over the last few years. For one thing, I now have eight children, and I can tell you that they are all unique and different. One of the major downfalls of many parenting books is that they treat children as cookie cutters- that if you do such and such you will get said outcome.

Except that isn't the case at all.

I see three possibilities to any disciplining that a parent does:

1) The child is both inwardly and outwardly obedient. Success!

2) The child is completely disobedient and rebellious, inwardly and outwardly.

3) The child is outwardly compliant, but inwardly rebellious.

A lot of parenting books fail to address the children who fall into the number 3 category.

I am not saying as parents we should not aim toward outward obedience, but to neglect the heart is a grave mistake...

And the thing that I think is the single most overlooked missing ingredient in so much parenting advice? GRACE.

Sometimes we fail to remember how God parents us, how He is patient with us, merciful, how He gives us grace over and over and over. To the point that it is almost scandalous.

The disciples were confused on many occasions when Jesus failed to bring wrath and judgement, choosing instead forgiveness and grace.

I want to be like Jesus.

And I want my parenting, my mothering, even my disciplining to reflect Him.

It is not a formula, and you can not give to others what you have not received first from Him.

But this is what I will continue to strive for in raising my children. That I would allow Him to love through me.

Could we ever devise a parenting philosophy better than Jesus?

It's All About Jesus

2011-06-29T19:40:00.002-04:00

I've had a few rough days, physically, and when this happens I find I do very little but pray. Sometimes I am able to get some reading done...

And interestingly all the reading and praying I am doing is leading me back to my center, to HIM.

Because really, it is all about Jesus.

Prayer, reading, Bible study, all these are good. But they are a means to an end. The end result in all of these things is to know Jesus more, to glorify Him.

I think it is really easy from time to time, even for the most well-intentioned of us, to get distracted by good things. It is good to pray. It is good to memorize scripture. It is good to read the Bible, or to read other edifying books.

But if at the end of all that, you aren't growing in your experiential knowledge of Christ, it's all in vain.

It's all about Jesus.

I guess I need that reminder from time to time.

Summer Update

2011-06-21T18:00:00.005-04:00

It is officially summer in Georgia and it is HOT.

I am so grateful for air conditioning.

At the same time, I get a little depressed when I know it is working as hard as it can, and it is still eighty degrees inside.

The bugs are out and they love me. I seriously have a bug bite ON MY EYELID. Yes, it looks fabulous. Let's just say I'm avoiding family pictures for a little while.

I am racking my brain to come up with recipes that do not require me to turn on my stove. (And I would appreciate ideas!)

In the meantime, I think my husband is genius for coming up with the idea of freezing coffee in ice cube trays, then using it in our iced coffee so it doesn't get all watered down. And I am thinking about pulling our my sweet friend Amanda's lavender lemonade recipe. {click here for the delightful recipe}

I have had a few minor setbacks lately, heathwise. But overall, I really can't complain.

Oddly, I have felt kind of conflicted. Dealing with a lot of extremes. For instance, one minute I will desperately feel the need to have quiet, solitude, to be ALONE. And then, I will miss my mom or my friends so badly that I literally crave just sitting next to them, hugging them and holding their hands. I shared this with my mother yesterday over the phone and she teased that the medication is getting to me. {smile}

I don't know what it is, but it's at times like this I am thankful for so many children, because at any given time at least one of them will let me snuggle them. And sometimes a girl just needs to be snuggled.

Sleepless Waiting

2011-06-15T16:02:00.002-04:00

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Literally. I laid in bed for HOURS, with my eyes closed, exhausted, and couldn't fall asleep. As I would begin to drift, my whole body would involuntarily jerk, startling me. This happened over and over. So, since I couldn't sleep, I did what I always do.

I prayed. For hours. For every person God brought to my mind. Friends, family, relationships. I prayed for myself. I begged God to just let me sleep, knowing the morning would come too soon and there are people in this home who need me.

I think it was a little after 4 a.m. when sleep finally came. I remember hearing stirring in the house a few hours later, children waking up, playing, laughter... bowls being clanged down on the table, the dinging of spoons in the kitchen sink... arguing. Trever's voice, moderating it all. It sounded very far away.

I felt like I could not move a muscle.

I have never felt quite this tired before. Ever. Not even after giving birth.

I did not get out of bed until almost 2 p.m. And I am still tired.

I wonder about sleep. Why can it be so hard to sleep when you are so tired?

I know God is here. I don't understand what He is doing. Perhaps that is when faith is most tested- when we don't understand.

But I know one day, the mysteries will be explained, the questions answered, the tears wiped away, the exhaustion gone forever. I believe.

And I wait.

Get Me

2011-06-12T20:28:00.000-04:00

Nap time is usually a time Aiden looks forward to, as he climbs into mama's bed, pulls up the covers, and snuggles in close. In a few short minutes, he is sleeping peacefully, and rarely does he so much as resist.

But today, although he got into bed without much resistance, he began to cry. He was mumbling something unintelligible, and though I am frequently able to decipher his language, today I had no luck.

For each word he uttered, I only looked confused and asked, "What do you want?"

He kept repeating himself, over and over, louder and more frustrated, crying the entire time.

Finally, I asked the right question. "Do you want a bottle?"

"YES!"

The crying abruptly stopped, he snuggled in, let me hold him, quietly, and was asleep in about two minutes.

But here is the irony: I didn't give him the bottle!

As I laid next to him, I began to realize what he wanted most of all, more than even getting what he wanted... He wanted to be understood.

And I relate to this. Because sometimes the hardest obstacles in life can be endured by knowing there is someone who understands you, who empathizes, who loves you.

I am thankful for the many people in my life that *get* me. Christian friends, loving family, hybrid husband/best friend. Father-God, who understands me best of all, who knows my thoughts and struggles even when I can not find words to express them.

It's enough to make a girl crawl into bed at night and sleep soundly.

{a repost from the archives, because it still apllies.... :) }

Spiritually Amphibious

2011-06-11T18:30:00.003-04:00

Most of my life, I have stood upright and with both of my feet firmly planted. Occasionally the events and circumstances of life may have left me breathless, dizzy, disillusioned, or even a bit confused.

But this past year has been all together different.

I have found myself turned completely upside down, with my pockets spilling quarters and the blood rushing to my head.

The most ironic thing is that, as I have adjusted to what God is doing in my life, I have discovered that what He wants is not to set me back right side up, the way I've lived all my life, but to live life upside down.

I'm becoming spiritually amphibious, learning to breathe the air of grace.

Anyone who has evolved in Christ develops virtues that are vestigial to a life that is not Christ centered. Compassion, mercy, hope, love... these grow out of proportion, exponentially, the closer we walk with Jesus. The God-glow that Moses veiled lights us up, spilling His light into this dark world.

I can say with certainty that God really, truthfully and always works everything together for good to those of us who love Him.

For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen. {Romans 11:36}

He Cares

2011-06-06T20:55:00.003-04:00

I think we may have turned a corner.

At the doctor appointment I had about a month ago, my rheumatologist changed up my medications for all new ones and I am very happy to report that they seem to be working very well.

I am profoundly grateful that there are medications available to me that make my life so much less painful and allow me so much more mobility, though I confess I am little bit sad knowing that these medications, though they make life better, are not curing anything. It is a strange feeling to have incurable autoimmune diseases.

Still, I am so thankful that I am able to do more with our children, with my husband, with friends and family. This makes me very, very happy.

It seems so much is changing right now. One of my best, closest friends is moving away soon. Another of my dearest, best friends is going into early labor. She lives across the country. Still another of my dearest friends is struggling powerfully in her life, relationships, finances, etc. I want so much to be there for her any way I can.

I have friends and family scattered all over, and sometimes it is very hard not to be near enough to see them, go to their baby showers or visit them in the hospital, to hold their hands or bring them a casserole or wash their dishes or just sip coffee and listen to their hearts.

I must believe, ultimately, that prayer makes a difference, that I serve and love a God who listens to and answers my prayers, and who holds my loved ones in the palm of His Hand. To fret, worry, stress... is this not essentially unbelief?

So I am finding all of life is full of reasons to be ceaseless in prayer, that peace is a Person, that His name is Jesus, and that I can trust Him. With my health, my family, my friends... with everything.

Waiting

2011-05-28T18:58:00.000-04:00

If the Lord Jehovah makes us wait, let us do so with our whole hearts; for blessed are all they that wait for Him. He is worth waiting for. The waiting itself is beneficial to us: it tries faith, exercises patience, trains submission, and endears the blessing when it comes. The Lord's people have always been a waiting people.
~ Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Pressed

2011-05-25T18:05:00.004-04:00

When life leaves me feeling pressed in at every side, and I begin to see ugly things escaping from the deep places in my heart I've hidden so well, I always find myself going back in my mind to this quote by Amy Carmichael, one of my spiritual mentors. I leave it with you, simply and humbly:

"If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love. For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted."

Oh Jesus, that I may be brimful of good things, of YOU, so that even a sudden jar might cause me to only spill out grace, hope, patience, love....

Jesus is Coming Soon

2011-05-15T17:42:00.002-04:00

I was married to a soldier. And my soldier had been deployed to Iraq. For 15 months.

Our 6th child, who I had given birth to 2 weeks before my husband went overseas, was now walking and talking, and I wondered how he would bond with the daddy he had only seen in pictures and over the computer.

I also wondered how the rest of the children would adjust to having their daddy home.

We were all terribly excited, knowing he would be returning soon. But we didn't know when. We only knew it would be soon. The military had not given us exact imformation, in order to keep the soldiers safe. We just needed to prepare for his return the best we could and wait....

I was sitting in a Sunday school class one morning during this time and the class was discussing the return of Jesus Christ, asking whether we were ready for His return. There was a lot of discussion, but the general gist of the conversation was that most of the people in my class did not feel ready and were unsure how to feel about His second coming.

And that is when it hit me.

Jesus is our heavenly bridegroom and we are to LOVE Him. We are supposed to purify ourselves- to get ready for Him. We are supposed to be excited about Him coming back.

It all made sense in my heart, and I shared with my class about Trever coming home soon from Iraq. How much I loved him, missed him, how thrilled I was to know that one day soon, he would walk through our door and I could run up and throw my arms around him and hold him close.

And yes, I want to be ready. I'd like the house to be clean and the kids bathed and myself looking as beautiful as possible. That's the way I'd want it. That's what I was trying to prepare for.

But honestly? Even if he walked through the door and found the house was strewn with baby toys and a wife who hadn't been able to take a shower for a couple days with baby spit up on her shirt... I'd still be so thrilled to just see his face!

My point? Yes, get ready! We want to be purified, prepared. But don't stress. This is a love reunion. The thrill of seeing your beloved will make all else fade away.

And we know He is coming soon.

Kindness

2011-05-11T17:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, though I have so many words and thoughts floating around in my head, I can't seem to organize them into anything cohesive. There is this desire to write, to share, and yet, a struggle to find the right words....

Today is like that.

I sit in my home with all my beautiful children and sometimes, though I love them with all my heart and find them to be the most delightful and interesting people I have ever met, well... sometimes they make me sad.

Because sometimes, they are just not very nice to one another.

And this makes me think about God. Because, it seems to me, this is what His heart was trying to express as well. Right after He told us to love God with all our hearts, He told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. To do unto others as we would have them do to us.

I wonder if God wasn't just asking His children to be kind to one another.

That is certainly what I would love to see my children do.

When I see my children love one another, care for one another, put one another first, it makes me happy.

The things that happen inside the nucleus of a family are the same things that happen in society. Just on a much smaller scale.

If God's children were simply kind to one another, if we all loved one another... isn't this at the heart of the gospel?

Tangled

2011-04-29T19:44:00.004-04:00

My necklaces had all managed to find one another in my tiny jewelry box, and they had intertwined into a big, tangled mess. It was terribly frustrating, trying to untangle them.

I brought them to my mother in desperation, asking her to help me. It had become apparent I was unable to untangle the mass of chains, and the more I tried, the tighter the knots became.

I handed them over, and she slowly began to loosen the knots. Little by little, some of the chains were coming free from the bundle.

But I was far too impatient to wait. I reached out and began to tug, thinking I could hurry along the process. Little girls are not generally known for their great patience.

It was in vain, of course. The chains tightened again, and the knots became bigger. It was not until I handed the necklaces over, and waited patiently, that my mother was able to loosen the chains, one at a time, until everything was unraveled and ready again for use.

This is the picture God brought to my mind recently, concerning the way I sometimes pray. I realize the issues I am praying about, the problems on my heart, are far too difficult and intricate for me to solve. I hand them over in desperation.

But I get impatient. I try to interfere, to help speed things along. And the peace I had while He held my problems gets lost in the tightening grip of my tugging and pulling.

I know He is good, that He works all things for my good, that He loves me. I feel compelled to trust that in His timing, He will unfurl every tangle, right every wrong, heal every illness, wipe away every tear.

So I will wait, patiently, and rest in His peace that passes all understanding.

The Wise and Foolish Virgins

2011-04-26T20:02:00.002-04:00

The sisters stood together, looking longingly down the street. They all hoped to be the first to catch a glimpse of Him. Surely today, more than any other, His face would shine and eyes sparkle with joy; His walk would be one of purpose and happy anticipation. He was coming to take His bride.

All His closest and most faithful family and friends would attend the feast held in His honor. Indeed, no expense had been spared, for the food and decorations were exquisite. Everything the eye could see sparkled and shined, and the aromas of the food, fine wines and heady incense were quite breathtaking. Were He not the sole object of adoration for these sisters, they could be quite distracted by the party itself. As it were, all the beauty of the festivities paled in comparison to the radiance of His very person.

The eldest sister stood tall and regal. She was truly beautiful. Her long, flowing hair shined in the sun, and her dark eyes glittered with a love-induced longing mingled with fear. Always the practical one, she knew that although she was excited, nay, desperate, to be with Him, this was also the most terrifying moment of her life. She wanted everything to be perfect, and to the best of her ability she had prepared for this day. Her garments had been washed and rewashed, and were spotless and wholly appropriate for the wedding. She had washed her face, perfumed her body with sweet incense and adorned herself with fine jewels. She was indeed a sight to behold, full of beauty and grace.

For all the pains she had taken to her personal appearance, however, she did not neglect the most important task that had been given her. She had made sure to fill her lamp with oil, all the way to the brim. She had also spent all she had to make sure to have enough oil to last, for she did not know the exact time of His arrival, and needed to be prepared for anything. Surely He would know her deep love for Him was genuine when He saw her ready, with her lamp burning brightly.

She looked beside her to see her other sisters, also decked out in their finest garments and awaiting the King. As she looked upon some of her sweet sisters, her heart filled with joy. She saw the same love for their Master radiating in their eyes. They were a lovely sight to behold. The light from their lamps made a soft glow on their faces, accentuating the gentleness in their features. They patiently waited for the moment to arrive.

As the hours passed, several of the sisters sat down on the steps. “Get up, all of you! What if He comes and sees you sitting?,” the five that sat were urged by the five who remained standing.

“Don’t worry. If we hear Him coming we will stand up. We will be ready in plenty of time.”

“But what of your dresses? You are getting them soiled and wrinkled!”

“It’s not so bad as you make it seem. Besides, will He not love us anyway, just as we are?”

The standing sisters were aghast. “Of course He will love you, but do you not love Him enough to keep yourselves ready?”

The sitting sisters rolled their eyes. After all, the standing sisters had always been a little radical in their devotion. It was true; their intentions could not be doubted. They were consumed with love for their Lord. But they did not have to force their peculiar ways on others, did they? Besides, a little rest would be good.

The sitting sisters eventually reclined. The evening was drawing nigh and they began to feel sleepy. Perhaps a little nap would do them good. There was still no sign of His arrival, and besides, their standing sisters would surely wake them up if they saw Him, for they were still excitedly scanning the horizon for the first glimpse of Him. The heat of the day had made them drowsy, and with a slight yawn, they dozed off.

“Oh how can they sleep at a time like this!!! Surely He will be here at any moment, and He told us to be ready!,” fretted one of the standing sisters, beholding the sleeping sisters on the ground.

“We have warned them,” replied the eldest. “They would not listen to us. Now we must stay focused on keeping ourselves ready. Do you all still have plenty of oil? Let us check our lamps again…”

The sleeping sisters awoke with a start. It was nearly dark. They had been asleep a long time. Eyes blurry from sleep, they rubbed them to bring them into focus. They glanced around and saw their standing sisters, without a spot on their fine clothes, holding their beautiful lamps and still waiting excitedly.

They looked first at each other, then down at themselves. They were a mess! They had gotten their garments soiled and their hair was unkempt. They stood up and tried brushing each other off to the best of their ability. They really wished they had time to go home and wash their clothes. It would not do to have Him see them like this. They went to trim their wicks and relight their lamps, which had gone out while they were sleeping, but, to their horror, their lamps were totally empty. There was no oil!

A bit frantic, they went to their standing sisters. “Can we have some of your oil? We ran out while we were asleep and we need to light our lamps.”

The younger sisters looked to the eldest, not knowing themselves how to reply to such an outrageous request. The eldest, with pity in her voice, yet possessing a firmness that would not be shaken, replied, “We can not give you of our oil. If we do, we will not have enough for ourselves. Please, hurry! Go buy more and hurry back! He should be here any minute.”

The sisters without oil grabbed their lamps and hurried to go buy oil. They were not truly sure He would be back all that soon, but just in case…

Meanwhile, the standing sisters, almost consumed by their great love and devotion, spotted the Groom. They saw Him far away, then coming closer and closer until they were face to face. He was all they had dreamed, and much, much more. He was majestic, radiant, awesome. They were quite overcome.

They were escorted into the great hall, to seats appointed for them. Though they did not for a moment take their eyes off the Groom, they were surprised to find that rather than being there to serve, as they had expected, they were given seats of honor. They watched the Groom as he gave a final order, before taking His seat next to His beloved bride, made up of all those who had faithfully adored Him:

“Shut and lock the doors. No one else will be allowed in.”

Then the festivities went in to full swing. Never had there been such joy. The bride, the Groom, finally reunited. All eternity had waited for this blessed moment, and now it had been fulfilled. There was no memory of the hardships or sadness in the journey, no regret or second thought for anything that had been left behind. From the foundation of the world, this was the thing they had been created for- to love their King forever and ever.

Outside, the tardy sisters realized the wedding feast had started and began to quicken their pace. Oh how embarrassing it was going to be to walk in late, and looking like they did! Perhaps they should have listened to their sisters earlier.

They approached the great door, but it would not open. They pulled with all their might, but to no avail! Desperate, they began to bang on the door and shout. After what felt like an eternity, the sad realization struck them with full force: they had been locked out! They also recognized that no one inside could hear them. None that is, except Him.

“Lord, Lord, open the door for us!!”

The haunting reply would chill their very souls.

“I don’t know you.”

The decision was final. There would be no changing His mind. And they went away weeping and sorrowful…

Yet the bride and Bridegroom enjoyed each other for all eternity.

“Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of Man comes.” Matthew 25:13

{A re-post from the archives}

The Giver

2011-04-20T18:06:00.004-04:00

My children all get excited when they get mail. (They take after their mama, I suppose.) They frequently get packages from their Papa Mike, filled with coloring books and crayons and cookies and candy and movies and all kinds of goodies.

Everyone wants to see what is in that box.

Of course, I can't just give them all that sugary goodness all at once. They'd be sick. But I dole out a little here, a little there, little treats they all look forward to. I use it as a reward for taking a good nap or finishing up their chores.

Today, a box filled with Easter goodies came. Lots of sugary sweets. I told the children when they finished their chores, they could pick out one thing each.

Most of them finished right away, so they got their candy right away.

One of them, though, slacked on his chores, and started getting pretty desperate when he saw everyone else enjoying their candy without him.

But this blog post is not about him. It is about his baby brother. And their mother. And God.

See, baby Owen got his candy when the older ones got theirs. (Seeing as how, try as I might, I can not figure a way to get an 18 month old do dishes.) {grin}

But when the brother who had slacked finally got done with his chores and got his candy, the baby wanted more. He didn't understand why Josiah was getting candy and he wasn't. Enormous tears ran down his face as he pointed to the box, while murmuring some very sad sounding language.

I opened up the box, pulled out a couple more jelly beans, and gave handed them to Owen. He reached his hands out, took the jelly beans, and smiled, happy.

I reached down to give him a hug but before I could, he ran off, jellybeans tightly gripped in both chubby fists. He glanced behind him for a moment as he reached the door, then continued on down the hall.

And I know he's a baby, but I couldn't help but feel the Spirit of God gently rebuke me. Because I do the same thing sometimes.

I cry and plead for the things I want, the things I need, the things I think I can not be happy without. And God answers my prayers. I reach my hands out and He fills them.

And then I turn and walk away. Satisfied, temporarily, with the gift, instead of staying behind to love on the Giver. Instead of lingering, grateful, I glance back, and go on with my day. I forget that He is the Giver of all good things. Most importantly though, I forget that the greatest gift is knowing Him.

I am frequently amazed at how regularly the Lord uses simple, daily things to point me back to Him. He gently leads me on.

Friends, as we become more and more aware of the gifts He daily gives, may we also be reminded to stop to acknowledge, to worship and adore, the Giver Himself.

Incense Trees

2011-04-18T11:11:00.003-04:00

My health, I confess, is rather quickly deteriorating. It seems that each week, I develop new symptoms, and my old ones get a little worse. The medication does not seem to be working.

I have days when I feel a bit hopeless, discouraged. But really, more than anything else, I feel badly about every one else who is affected by this. It breaks my mother's heart. My sister feels helpless. My friends have pretty much stopped calling, not knowing what to say.

Worst of all, my husband and children, who see me every day, and watch me struggle. Two of my children, while saying prayers this week, broke down crying. My husband is trying to finish up his last couple of college classes, work a new job, and take care of me and our children on top of it all.

In many ways, I feel like a burden. I wish, when my mother called, I could tell her how much better I was doing. I am still hoping (and praying) that I will be able to do that, soon.

I don't like what is happening to me, I don't understand it all. But I do trust God.

Julian of Norwich shares these words, that resonate with my own heart:

"But sometimes it cometh to our mind that we have prayed long time, and yet we think to ourselves that we have not for our asking. But herefor should we not be in heaviness. For I am sure, by our Lord's signifying, that either we abide a better time, or more grace or a better gift."

Amy Carmichael says, "Let us face it now: which is harder, to be well and doing things, or to be ill and bearing things? It was a long time before I saw the comfort that was in that question. Here we may find our opportunity to crucify that cowardly thing, the softness that would sink to things below, self-pity, dullness, selfishness, ungrateful gloom."

She wrote this while very ill, bedridden in fact.

She also wrote of incense trees, which only grew "in a blistered land, naked to the sun, covered for miles with sand, broken stones, or bare rock, almost waterless, almost treeless." Yet incense, the almost universal symbol for worship, prayer, adoration- was found in just such a place.

She goes on to explain that when we find ourselves in these desert places, we can find our incense trees or we can miss them, but if we miss them, we can find them no where else.

God sometimes allows trials, but he always brings beauty for ashes. I have to ask myself, am I finding those incense trees? Am I allowing this desert place in my life to be a place of worship, of prayer, of adoration?

Christian- what are you watching???

2011-04-14T18:26:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, the truth is not popular.

I start this post off with that sentence, because I am fairly sure this will not gain me more readers, and will very likely offend the ones I already have. And yet I feel I need to write it anyway, because I believe it is right.

I do not believe Christians have any buisness watching most of the programs on television and very few movies.

I know, that is a very broad statement. Before I hear the word, "judgemental" or the dismissive, "That is just your opinion", I want to clarify a couple things.

First of all, I am writing this ONLY to those who actually consider themselves to be followers of Jesus Christ. He says, if you love Him, you will do what He says. We are not just free to do whatever we want, to entertain ourselves with whatever suits our fancy. We were bought with a price and are supposed to glorify God in all we do in these bodies.Many people out there would be offended and outraged by pornography but would have no issue watching movies or soap operas where extra-marital adulterous affairs or premarital sex are acted out.

I have heard the argeument: Porn is real. Soaps are not. It's just entertainment.

Okay, so one is people doing something evil and one is people pretending to do something evil. Why are we entertaining ourselves with evil at all??

The Bible calls the following things SIN: Extramarital and premarital sex, murder, bad language, taking the Lord's name in vain, coveting, etc. I am not going to attempt to list every sin the Bible forbids. I am just going to point out that most of what is on tv and in the movies has these things in them.

If God tells us not to DO them, why is is acceptable to watch people pretend to?

We would never murder, but we love to watch tv shows and movies that are all about crime, murder mysteries, forensics.

We would balk at the idea of being unfaithful to our spouses but we watch programs where that very thing is glorified and romantisized.

We watch programs with language we might not use, and would be horrified to hear our children use.

All for what? Entertainment?

Have we not made entertainment an idol?

I think it is time we dethrone entertainment and put Jesus back in His rightful place.

A good test to make sure the things you are watching or listening to are apporved by God?

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Is it true? Honorable? Just and pure and lovely? Commendable? Is there exellence and anything in it worthy of praise? If not, ditch it.

This is not a matter of opinion. We will all have to stand before God and give an account for these things.

2 Corinthians 5:9-10 says, "So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil."

Jesus taught that on the day of judgement, we will give an account for even the words we speak!

I send this out as a warning and a plea... please! Consider what you are watching in the light of what the Bible teaches. Jesus is coming back for a holy bride. Is what you are entertaining yourself with making you holier?

If it isn't- stop watching it!

More Worth Than Many Sparrows

2011-04-11T13:54:00.004-04:00

The man I love is beginning a new chapter in his career and this has caused the foundations to shake just a bit. More than once I have had to stop, reflect, consider whether I am building with wood, hay, stubble, or gold, silver, precious stones. Idols in my own heart, that have put on pretty faces and hidden their true identities well, have emerged in all their ugliness.

And I thank God, because without Him I would never be able to discern the true state of my heart...

I have been in a state the last thirteen years where I have always had enough money to buy whatever we needed and a good share of things I just wanted us to have. I said I was trusting God would always provide, but the truth is that you never really know if you are completely trusting in God's provision until you discover you have nothing else to fall back on. God is all you have.

Jesus told us blessed are the poor. And we think it is a beautiful saying and give a religious nod to the Teacher, but fail to see that He really means what He says. The poor understand they are powerless to take care of themselves. They recognize their true need.

This new chapter opens for us with me struggling to really trust that God considers me of much more value than many sparrows, and wrestling the demons that whisper that we won't have enough.

We have home churched for many months just like the early church in Acts, met with other believers in homes, and prayed and fellowshipped and broke bread. But more and more we felt God was beginning to lead us back to the main stream church. In our home church, we did not think much of our appearance. We did not dress up, but came in jeans and t-shirts and sometimes with husbands right off of work and even still a bit dirty and that was just fine. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart....

Yesterday, though, we went to visit a church and filled a whole pew with us and our eight children and on the way I fretted that Libby did not have any dresses and that our boys, though dressed in jeans without holes, had no *church clothes* let alone special shoes. I called my mother on the way and expressed my heart and she gave beautiful advice, telling me if anyone had a problem with the way my family was dressed in church, they needed to be there a whole lot more than we did.

And I know, of course, that she's right and that she was Jesus' mouth piece to a frazzled mama who was concerned about the very things Jesus said that the gentiles worry about.

I think about George Mueller, great man of faith and prayer, and how God met His needs, always. He made his needs not known to fellow man, but only to God, and God always blessed.

Can I believe He will do the same for me and my family?

{Prayers are coveted, kind friends. Usually, I share my posts through facebook, sometimes through other avenues as well. But this post, being as close to my heart as it is, I am going to just leave alone here, trusting that only God will direct the souls who might read it.}

Joy

2011-04-11T11:46:00.004-04:00

I'd like to share a quote from Ann this morning, that is both encouraging and challenging to me:

"How long do I really have to figure out how to live full of joy?

So my husband might find himself married to a woman he loves being with, a woman who knows how to laugh at the days to come? So our children have these memories of a mama who smiles easy, listens long, makes jokes and praise and all these good days out of crazy messes? So the Christ in me, Joy Himself, “the gigantic secret of the Christians,” is apparent to the world around me, Joy to the world, rescuing the world?"

I needed this today, because it is easy for me to see a "crazy mess" and respond badly, with stress, anxiety, frustration, and harsh words. And then, afterward, to realize I missed an opportunity to trust, to love, to experience joy... because joy is not about outward experiences anyway.

"Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God." ~Robert Schuller

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." ~Psalm 16:11

Oh Jesus! To walk daily in Your presence, to be filled with Your joy, and to spill it over onto all I come into contact with... this is my prayer. Amen.

Body Parts

2011-04-10T18:00:00.001-04:00

We who follow Jesus, we are His body. We are His hands, His feet, His mouth.

And I have been thinking about how that looks in my life, every day.

Sometimes Jesus's arms wrap around one of my sons when they get their feelings hurt, when they are angry, when they are sad.

Sometimes Jesus speaks words of encouragement after a tough math lesson. Sometimes His words tell a little one that they are beautiful, amazing, loved. Sometimes His words teach, correct, discipline.

Sometimes Jesus's feet walk down my hall to peek in on sleeping babies.

Sometimes Jesus's hands tenderly bathe my children, chop vegetables for a meal, massage my husband's shoulders, bandage scrapes and cuts and turn pages of book after book after book He takes the time to read aloud.

Sometimes, when I realize I am His vessel, I see that as I let Him live through me, He blesses all whose lives I touch.

May our bodies be living sacrifices

The Rich Family In Church

2011-04-09T00:31:00.004-04:00

Just wanted to share a short story that touched me and my husband.

It's called The Rich Family In Our Church by Eddie Ogan. (Eddie is short for Edna, I believe, and is a female.)

I’ll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister, Ocy 12, and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with our mother, and the 4 of us knew what it was to do without many things.

Dad had died 5 years before, leaving Mom with 7 kids to rear and no money. By 1946 my older sisters were married, and my brothers had left home.

A month before Easter, the pastor announced that a special offering would be taken to help a poor family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially.

At home, we talked about what we could do. We decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes to live on for a month. This would allow us to save $20 of our grocery money for the offering. Then we thought that if we kept our electric lights turned out as much as possible and didn’t listen to the radio, we’d save money on the electric bill. Darlene got as many house-and yard-cleaning jobs as possible and baby-sat for everyone she could. For 15 cents, we could buy enough cotton loops to sell for $1. We made $20 on potholders. That month was one of the best of our lives.

Every day we counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we’d sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had about 80 people in church, so we figured that whatever amount we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times that much. After all, each Sunday the pastor reminded us to save for the offering.

The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store and got the manager to give us 3 crisp $20 bills and a $10 bill for all our change. We ran all the way home to show Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before.
That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn’t care that we wouldn’t have new clothes for Easter, for we had $70 for the sacrificial offering. We could hardly wait to get to church!

Sunday morning rain was pouring and we didn’t have an umbrella. The church was over a mile from our home, but it didn’t seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in her shoes to fill the holes but it came apart. But we sat in church proudly. I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, yet I felt so rich.

When the offering was taken we were sitting on the 2nd row from the front. Mom put in the $10, and each of us girls put in a $20. As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we had boiled Easter eggs with the fried potatoes!

Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went to the door, talked with him, and then came back with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she didn’t say a word. She opened the envelope, and out fell a bunch of money: 3 – 20’s, a 10 and 17- 1 dollar bills. Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn’t talk; we just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like millionaires to feeling like poor white trash.

We kids had had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who didn’t have our mom and dad for parents and a house full of brothers and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun to share the silverware and to see whether we got the fork or the spoon that night. We had 2 knives which we passed around to whoever needed them.

I knew we didn’t have a lot of things other people had, but I had never thought we were poor. The minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we were poor.
I didn’t like being poor. I looked at my dress and worn-out shoes and felt so ashamed that I didn’t want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew we were poor!

I thought about school. I was in the 9th grade and at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids at school thought we were poor. I decided I could quit school since I had finished the 8th grade and that was all the law required at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. It got dark and we went to bed. All that week, we girls went to school, came home, and no one talked much.

Finally, on Saturday, Mom asked what we wanted to do with the money. What did poor people do with money? We had never known we were poor. We didn’t want to go to church, but Mom said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn’t talk on the way. Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse.

At church we had a missionary speaker who talked about how churches in Africa made buildings out of sun-dried bricks, but they needed money to buy roofs. He said $1,000 would put a roof on a church. The minister said, “Can’t we all sacrifice to help these poor folk?

We looked at each other and smiled for the 1st time in a week. Mom reached into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene, who gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy to put in the offering.

When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn’t expected such a large offering from our small church. He said,
“You must have some rich people in this church.”

Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87 of that “little over $100.” We were the rich family in the church! Hadn’t the missionary said so?

From that day on I’ve always remembered how rich I am because I have Jesus.

God's Promises

2011-04-06T17:10:00.004-04:00

Grateful, this afternoon, for the rich treasures found in His Word:

So I am...

considering the lilies (Matthew 6:28)

taking my anti-anxiety medication (Philippians 4:6-8)

heaping up treasure in Heaven (Matthew 6:20-21)

abounding in hope (Romans 3:13)

putting on the whole armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18)

singing songs and hymns and spiritual songs (Colossians 3:16)

reading God-breathed words (2 Timothy 3:16-17) and Christian biographies (Hebrews 11)

and

finding Jesus on every. single. page.

Learning to Give Thanks

2011-04-04T20:10:00.003-04:00

Recently I have given a lot of thought to what Ann says in her amazing book, One Thousand Gifts. Well, she says lots of things, but one thing that stands out in my mind is this picture of myself opening my cupped hands, waiting to receive whatever God gives. And giving thanks. For everything.

Except, well, if I were to be entirely honest, I would tell you that this morning, I saw another picture in my mind. It was one He showed me, and it looked a lot like me this morning. The picture of a bratty child who opens up her hands, receives from God, doesn't like the gift she was given, and then proceeds to throw it on the ground screaming and crying and having a full blown tantrum.

Yeah, that's what I do sometimes.

And I hate it.

I pray, I apologize, I repent. Really. But I long to get to the stage in maturing where my default reaction to tough things is not a tantrum.

So I've been meditating on these verses:

Philippians 2:14-16 (English Standard Version)

"Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain."

And doing a lot of praying, apologizing and repenting.

Eucharisteo is a discipline. And I am a new(ish) student. Bear with me? Thank you all for your prayers and love and lavish grace toward me and my family.

Scripture Memorization

2011-03-31T20:33:00.009-04:00

For the entire month of March, we read the sermon on the mount (Matthew chapters 5-7) every night, as a family.

After we had done this for about two weeks, we noticed some of our children were able to recite several verses without looking at their Bibles. So, we challenged them to see if they would be able to memorize bigger portions of scripture. All of them had something to contribute, and this, being the last day in March, was the day to see how far they had gotten.

We share this with you to show how faithful Bible reading produces awesome fruit! (And because our kids are adorable.) :)

First, Dylan, our 8 year old, recites Matthew chapter 7:

Second up, Riley, our 10 year old, also recites Matthew chapter 7:

Third, Andrew, our 12 year old, who took on Matthew chapter 6:

Next is Josiah, age 7, who recites a section about loving your enemies:

Libby, age 6, recites the Lord's prayer:

Justice, age 4, also recites the Lord's prayer. Yes, he says "our" kingdom and "our" will. Still, purdy good:

Last up, Aiden, our 2 year old, also {sort of} recites the Lord's prayer. (And I just have to say I think he is really stinkin' cute!! He got annoyed with me towards the end because I was helping too much.)

Finally, Trever challenged the children to write a song about some of the verses they memorized, and Riley came up with this song. (You'll notice how much Aiden LOVES this song!!He is the one who keeps saying "here we go!" and "one more time!")

Now, for the month of April, we are going to read the book of James every night. Would you please bless us with your prayers? That we would get His Word into our hearts and lives? Thank you, kind friends.

Be encouraged! Our labors are not in vain and His word never returns to Him void!!

Treats

2011-03-31T12:35:00.005-04:00

Feeling some better today due, in large part, I am sure, to the power of prayer. Many thanks to all of you who have lifted me up in prayer.

A bit overcast outside, looks like some more rain, perhaps later this afternoon.

I don't know about you, but this kind of weather makes me want to sip on hot beverages, cuddle under soft blankets with snuggly babies (or maybe even my snuggly man) and, in general, eat goodies.

I have been known to look over at Trever and ask this very serious question:

"Do we have any treats?"

Well, I am happy to report that today we do, because Trever has made up something truly yummy to savor.

Pumpkin Pie Creme Brulee.

Don't worry, i won't leave you hanging:

Click here for the recipe.

Now, to make something warm to drink with it and off to enjoy Trever's day off. Maybe we can squeeze in a good nap. Later tonight, Bible study with a dear friend and communion. I have a feeling it will be a very good day. :)

Theology of Sleep

2011-03-29T14:25:00.004-04:00

I recently read this article and it so blessed me, I wanted to share it with all of you as well...

A Brief Theology of Sleep

At 5:00 a.m. Sunday morning the world is not dark, but there is no color. Everything is black and white and grey, except for the orange light on the garage across the street that shines through my bedroom window. There is no breeze, and the poplar leaves are caught like a snapshot in stillness. The stars are gone but the sun is not up yet; so you can’t tell if the grey sky is overcast or clear. Very soon we will know.

I sit on the edge of my bed trying to develop a theology of sleep. Why did God design us to need sleep? We sleep a third of our lives. Just think of it: a third of our lives spent like dead men. Just think of everything being left undone that could be done had God not designed us to need sleep. There is surely no doubt that he could have created us with no need for sleep. And just think, everyone could devote himself to two careers, and not feel tired. Everyone could be a “full-time Christian worker” and still keep his job. There is so much of our Father’s business we could be about.

Why did God imagine sleep? He never sleeps! He thought the idea up out of nothing. He thought it up for his earthly creatures. Why! Psalm 127:2 says, “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved in his sleep.” According to this text sleep is a gift of love, and the gift is often spurned by anxious toil. Peaceful sleep is the opposite of anxiety. God does not want his children to be anxious, but to trust him. Therefore I conclude that God made sleep as a continual reminder that we should not be anxious but should rest in him.

Sleep is a daily reminder from God that we are not God. “He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep” (Psalm 121:4). But Israel will. For we are not God. Once a day God sends us to bed like patients with a sickness. The sickness is a chronic tendency to think we are in control and that our work is indispensable. To cure us of this disease God turns us into helpless sacks of sand once a day. How humiliating to the self-made corporate executive that he has to give up all control and become as limp as a suckling infant every day.

Sleep is a parable that God is God and we are mere men. God handles the world quite nicely while a hemisphere sleeps. Sleep is like a broken record that comes around with the same message every day: Man is not sovereign. Man is not sovereign. Man is not sovereign. Don’t let the lesson be lost on you. God wants to be trusted as the great worker who never tires and never sleeps. He is not nearly so impressed with our late nights and early mornings as he is with the peaceful trust that casts all anxieties on him and sleeps.

In quest of rest,

Pastor John

Thankful

2011-03-27T18:40:00.002-04:00

This weekend, my mother and step-dad came up to visit. I wasn't feeling very good and knew I would not be able to do much, and warned them of this before they came. They came anyway.

We didn't do a whole lot (though I did manage to go to the park Sunday afternoon and sit on a picnic bench while mom pushed babies in swings and Trever and John (my step-dad) took the older boys over to the skate park section of the park to do stunts off of ramps that give me a coronary). {smile}

Mainly though, we just visited and sat together and smiled at the children.

It was really nice.

I know my mom worries about my health, sometimes wishes there was more that she could do...

but really, this really blessed me. It makes me happy to know my mom would drive four hours to spend a weekend with me when I can't do much of anything. Just to be with me.

Sometimes, little reminders to focus on happy moments and just take it easy are key.

I read Ann's post for this weekend, and it resonated with me. So, I enjoyed some happy moments just soaking in a bubble bath, wearing my fuzzy socks, eating macaroons, and enjoying my family.

This weekend, I add these things to my list of thanks:
mom and John and their visit
laughing babies
children reciting memorized scripture- entire chapters! beautiful!
bubble baths
cookies
fuzzy socks
snuggling Aiden at nap time
Riley's self written scripture song, with accompanying choreography :)
a thoughtful get well card in the mail from Trever's grandpa
rain
a husband who said he'd take me all the way to Atlanta to see the new Jane Eyre movie, he loves me THAT much. (though we aren't going- that's insane, since Atlanta is like 4 hours away- but still.)

Herbal Tea

2011-03-25T21:11:00.004-04:00

Today I'd like to talk about one of the things I enjoy- herbal tea.

I like almost all kinds of tea. Black, green, oolong, rooibos, herbal. Love them all.

I typically drink black tea with cream and sugar, my green with a drop of honey, and my rooibos and herbals plain. And if you are having a nice little tea, I *highly* recommend a good scone with clotted or Devonshire cream. Slather it on like you would butter, use a little jam if you'd like, and oh. my. goodness. YUM. (In case you are unfamiliar with clotted cream and Devonshire cream, it looks a bit like a cross between butter and whipped cream. It is slightly sweet and an oh so yummy addition to baked goods.)

But herbal teas are one of my great loves. I have been known to make up blends of dried, loose herbs and take them with me wherever I go. Once, my mother warned me I could get arrested for carrying a bag of nettle that looked suspiciously like marijuana. But so far, no arrests. :)

Ah, herbs. When it comes solely to taste, my favorite herbs are chamomile, lemon balm, lavender, hibiscus, and orange peel.

As far as medicinal qualities, I always have on hand a wide variety, and recommend you do too. Some of my favorites include nettle (though I confess I loathe the way it tastes and typically combine it with other palatable herbs to get it down), red raspberry, oatstraw, red clover, alfalfa, spearmint, and rose hips. There are many more, but these are the ones I use the most.

I'll often take a couple tablespoons of the loose (dried) herb, put it in a tea ball or tea bag (they make these so you can make your on tea bags- you can buy them online or at health food stores) place it in a mason jar and cover it with boiling water, allowing it to steep a few minutes. If I want it more potent, I simply let it steep longer.

I find herbs are a beautiful way to take care of yourself (and your family!).

To illustrate, lately I have been retaining a lot of water from the time I was on prednisone. Cornsilk is a powerful diuretic. I put a few tablespoons in a tea bag, plopped it into a mason jar, covered it with boiling water and let it steep. Viola! An infusion that works as well as any prescription diuretics without dangerous side effects.

I'm not a doctor and don't claim to be, but I can tell you, from my personal experience, that herbs are a delightful thing to study and use. They are also powerful medicines, and therefore should be treated with respect. I believe God gave us these amazing substances to promote our health and healing.

I have personally used herbs to treat all kinds of ailments in both myself and my family. All kinds of things, from allergies to colds and flus, to stress and anxiety, to pain, insomnia, iron deficiencies, varicose veins, etc.

Warning: loving herbs is contagious. I can hardly make myself a cup of tea without one of my children begging for some.

All right, I admit... I kind of like that about them. :)

I just finished drinking a cup of chamomile. Lovely. Feeling very calm and relaxed and...

just about ready to go to sleep.

Goodnight all!

A Day In The Life

2011-03-22T08:12:00.000-04:00

I wake up. I realize I don't want to be awake right away, because I feel exhausted. Still, I know I need to get moving. The baby, laying next to me, is now, finally, sleeping soundly. But the rest of my children are very much awake, as evidenced by the noise down the hall.

Up. Up. Up.

Maybe if I think it long enough, it will happen.

No, I must make the movements, the effort. I walk down the hall.

I am confronted with the mess of spilled milk, cereal bowls strewn all over the table. Happy, but ridiculously loud children greet me with smiles. The littler ones run to hug me, but I hold them at arms length- they are sticky.

Clean up begins early.

By the time all the children are wiped clean, spills washed up, diapers changed, I realize we need to get started on morning chores. NOW. Or else the entire schedule will be thrown off for the day.

Some days I feel like every known force in the universe is working against me from accomplishing this end.

I have to tell several of my children over fifty times a day to stay on task. To concentrate on their work. Write neatly. You will have to do this over. You forgot to sweep behind the table. Have you finished your math? You MUST get your room cleaned up before we put on a show. Be kind to one another. Stop yelling. Do not hit, bite, scribble on the walls. Do not call names. No it is not time for a snack yet. You are NOT starving, I promise.

And you know what? I do not have rotten kids. They are good kids. They are sweet (most of the time) and smart and I am grateful for them everyday. But they are also enormous consumers of time and energy and patience and every other resource I posses (and probably those I don't.) They literally drain every ounce of physical, spiritual and emotional energy I have.

You know why I need God so much? Because the simple, you-need-to-do-something-for-yourself line just doesn't cut it. After the exhaustion of life sets in, going out for a cup of coffee or getting a pedicure or having a date night or starting a new hobby just isn't enough. And it never will be. Maybe it was never meant to be.

I need to know God is with me here. Now. When I need Him most. In the every day, in all the frustrating details. In the maddening quotidian. I need Him as I do the next thing, every single solitary day.

And ironically, you know when I get the most frustrated? When I insist on me time. When I get stuck in the downward spiraling, black hole of self pity. When I start thinking about what I deserve. Life is not about what we deserve. It is about making the best out of every thing that comes your way.

"Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world." - Helen Keller

I've said it before, and I will say it again. (Againness seems to be the topic of my life, so I am learning to accept repetition.) All people, all women, all moms, feel this way from time to time. Whether you have no kids or two or ten. Male or female.

Life can be hard. Challenging.

It can feel overwhelming from time to time. The againness of it all can get to you. I know it does me.

It's ok to say so.

Sometimes I think homeschooling moms hurt themselves when they feel they can never talk about how hard it is to do it all. Because it IS. We don't have to be a slave to an image. We are normal people, with normal struggles. At least, I am.

I have had people tell me numerous times that they couldn't do what I do. I feel like saying, "Neither can I." And then burst out laughing.

All is grace.

I want to be a grace-giver. I need grace-givers in my life. God has given me some. And I am grateful.

Because tomorrow I do it all over.

{a repost from the archives...}

A Franciscan Blessing for Lent

2011-03-15T19:07:00.001-04:00

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. Amen.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. Amen.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection,starvation and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. Amen.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. Amen.

And the Blessing of God, who Creates, Redeems and Sanctifies, be upon you and all you love an pray for this day, and forever more. Amen.

Lent 2011: A Franciscan Blessing from World Vision ACT:S on Vimeo.

A Letter To My Husband

2011-03-15T18:42:00.002-04:00

Dear Trever,
I tell you everyday that I love you. And I mean it.

But I think, sometimes, saying the words "I love you" can get a bit ordinary, a bit routine. So I thought maybe it might be a good idea to tell you what I mean when I say those three words...

I appreciate you. The way you care for me, in sickness and in health. The way you support me, financially, emotionally and spiritually. I love the way you love me and our eight children. The way you are always trying to do a little better. All the ways you help me... Thank you. It means more than you might know.

I adore you. I see your tender smile or listen to your infectious laughter and I swoon. You make me smile every. single. day. Being your wife brings me so much joy.

I'm committed to you. No matter what. through thick and thin. When things are easy and fun and when they are strained and difficult. When you make me laugh and when you make me cry. All the time- I'm yours.

I'm thankful for you. God has used you, and our children, to so radically transform my life that it is sometimes a little bit unrecognizable to me. And I could never be grateful enough for that.

I pray the next time I say those three words, you will know all they encompass for me. Those words are full. And they are true, now and always.

I love you, Mr. Smith.
xoxoxox

He Never Wastes Our Pain

2011-03-02T21:26:00.006-05:00

Babies toddle around the waiting room, giggling a little too loud, and husband attempts to complete some homework while we wait for my name to be called. It takes longer than I'd hoped.

The nurse smiles, escorts me to the triage area, takes my blood pressure, asks questions. She tells me to step up on the scale. I've gained weight, from the water retention they tell me. I feel a surge of frustration, along with new resolve to get off the prednisone.

We wait some more.

Finally, the doctor comes in, opens up my file, his smile full of compassion. He gently informs me that my latest blood work reveals a more complicated diagnosis. It is a hard blow.

All my efforts to get better, to exercise, to eat more healthfully, get enough rest, to use all the right supplements... and my body, it just seem to be falling apart.

Autoimmune diseases are frustrating in their own right because, in essence, your body has betrayed you. The God-given immune system has gone rogue, and has turned to attack your own healthy cells.

I have three autoimmune diseases.

It is rare, complicated. And I don't know exactly what this will mean for my quality of life.

There is a very real possibility that I will get better. There is also the possibility that I won't.

Either way, this is something I know for sure:

God is in control.

I know this can sound so hollow, so cliche. I don't offer this up as someone who just wants to act like everything is fine when it isn't. There are very real, very difficult, very devastating things that happen in life. And they aren't easy sometimes. I don't mean, in any way, to gloss over that.

But I am sensing more and more that these diseases are a gift.

They have served to draw me closer and closer to God. And anything that does that is a gift. He is all in all. With that understanding, I can thank Him FOR the diseases, not just IN them.

I don't understand all of this. I don't know what will happen. But I know I can trust God. He never, ever, ever wastes our pain.

Of this I am sure.

So my list of thanks grows:

tiny toes peaking out of blankets
wispy ginger hair on baby Owen's downy head
laughter
friends who love and listen and pray
family within driving distance
electric blankets, warm socks, gloves
little gifts in the mail
a new book
long phone calls for prayer
rheumatoid arthritis
lupus
scleroderma
Raynaud's phenomenon
peace that passes understanding
reading the sermon on the mount with our children
knowing Jesus is closer than my next breath

Kind friends, if you would please be in prayer for us, as the Lord leads? YOU are gifts, as well. I am so thankful to be part of the love body of Jesus. xo

Let Go

2011-02-21T11:56:00.007-05:00

I think every parent has a particular pet peeve about their children. I will tell you ours:

Our children simply can not stand not knowing all the details.

If they find out we are planning a trip, they begin plying us with endless questions. When are we going? What time will we leave? Who is going to be there? Can we bring such and such with us?

I really can NOT over-emphasize how many questions they can think to ask. It boggles the mind.

So, Trever and I have resorted to trying to plan everything out in secret. And we certainly don't discuss hypothetical plans in front of them. That's like asking for a million inquiries before we've even gotten an opportunity to decide if we're really serious about doing it in the first place.

But even if we have managed to plan everything out in secret, we can't altogether avoid questions, because as soon as we tell the children to get in the van (or pack a bag for two nights, or get their socks and shoes on, etc.) the questions begin.

To be honest (and we have told the children this before when we were just not in the mood to answer a lot of questions) sometimes it would be nice to have them just sit back, and wait and see.

I was talking to one of my besties on the phone this morning, and we were discussing how sometimes life is un plan-able, and how that can be scary. How we would appreciate it if God would lay out all the details, so we knew what was going to happen.

But God doesn't work that way.

And, maybe if He did, we wouldn't be as compliant as we think we might be. Maybe, knowing the whole plan might cause us to run in the other direction with our hands over our ears, pretending we didn't hear it. Like Jonah.

Maybe God would appreciate it if we would just sit back, wait and see.

Ouch.

I think trust can be a hard lesson to learn.

But I am determined, that every time my children start plying me with questions (some anxiety ridden and some all curiosity) to let this be a reminder to myself. God has all the details worked out. It's okay to ask Him questions, but in the end, I need to trust Him. To sit back, relax, and wait and see.

Oh yeah, and enjoy the journey!

Out of Darkness

2011-02-08T17:51:00.003-05:00

Life has been crazy lately and, well, it has kept us from keeping up with home repairs. For example, the littler kiddos have had a problem with their ceiling fan and light. To the point that I was afraid it might electrocute someone, so we just pulled the whole thing until it could be fixed.

And the thing is, we meant to get to it, really. But we didn't, for a few weeks. And then we did! Trever fixed it beautifully, and everything is safe and lovely.

Except. Well... The kids have gotten used to it NOT working.

So, this morning when I went in to see what they were playing, the lights were all out. They were playing in the dark.

"Hey guys, why's it so dark in here!? Here, turn on the light!" I said cheerily. And they continued to play...

But I got to thinking.

That's what people are like. If we get comfortable in the dark {sin}, we stop trying to turn the light on. We play in the dark. We are oblivious to the fact that anything is wrong.

Jesus is the light.

And the longer we play in the darkness, the greater the chances we will adapt to it, be comfortable with it, and no longer search for, long for, light.

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."
Plato

Don't mess around, friends. If things are dark, turn on the light. Don't hang around, don't put it off.

There is so much at stake.

Overweights of Joy

Linky Love

Little Things

Libby's Story

Napless Naptime

Goings On

Feeling My Way

Being Salt

A Heavy Post

A Few Of My Favorite Things

My Awesome Family

Stomach Bugs

Hanging in There

Beads, Screwdrivers and Naps

Rescued Crayons

Ways To Help Someone Who Is Chronically Ill...

Jodi's post

Stress and Peace

When life gets Loud

Peeking over My Shoulder

A little recommended reading

Anniversay Poem

Happy anniversary to us, Trever. And many, many more, Lord willing.

~amy danielle

California Cornbread :)

Prayer and Praise

On Limitations...

All I Ever Have To Be...

How We Chose Our Baby Names

Baby Number Nine!

Let the Petty Stuff Go

Soul Encourager

God's Good Gifts

Our Christmas Begins To Take Shape

Mr Interesting Questions Christmas

God or the Bible?

Quiet Hearted Mama

His Thoughts Said... His Father Said...

CCM and The Music Industry

God in the Details

Heartbeat

From My Heart

The Way We Feel About Halloween

Why

Dreams

Holy Indifference

Spiritual Detours

Exploring Isaiah Chapter 6

Exploring Isaiah Chapter 5

Beautiful News

Exploring Isaiah: Chapter 4

Exploring Isaiah: Chapter 3

No Waste In Jesus

Seventy-Times-Seven Forgiveness

About Overweights

Exploring Isaiah: Chapter 2

Exploring Isaiah: The first post in which I invite you to come along and study God's amazing Word with me

When Demons Whisper

The First Couple Days

How My Healing Happened

Update {One Week Post Healing!}

Some Recommended Reading

Heart Overflowing: A personal thank-you to you from me

My Faith Journey: An Introduction

It's All About The Heart

Goals

Plucking Petals

True Beauty is a Person

Soul Encourager

Life Song

Parenting

It's All About Jesus

Summer Update

Sleepless Waiting

*Get* Me

Spiritually Amphibious

He Cares

Waiting

Pressed

Jesus is Coming Soon

Get Me